It's been over a year since God pulled me out of the muck and mire I was in after I got back from Germany... I still can't believe I was ever that person. I've dabbled a bit back in that old life since then, and got a taste of what it felt like, again, and it just wasn't pretty. I've also spent a lot of time thinking and rethinking and wondering if living my life following this Jesus dude was worth all the pain and effort. And I eventually decided that I can't do it without Him if I tried, so yeah, I decided, it is worth it. Also because nothing compares to the hope, the joy, the strength, and the mind-blowing healing that I have found in Jesus. I have tried to find strength in my own effort, in "being a good person" (which I suck at), and it just does. not. work!! I end up exhausted and discouraged and worse off than before. Being a "Christian", I also realized, can also be exhausting if you make it about just "work". I feel God wants us to just bask in his love sometimes, you know? just dig it. Just totally be taken aback by how awesome He is. Not try to prove something to him by how much you DO or how much you KNOW. Cause God doesn't care. I've also given up trying to force myself into being a "better Christian", whatever the heck that is... -- because I can't do it. God can, though, and He will, if I let him.
Came across this prayer again ... ephesians 3, while reading this week... I blogged about it several months back. I love it because it gives all the glory to GOD for the work that is done, not to people. Cuz God doesn't NEED us, but He wants use us, and we just have to let him.
---- I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ----
INFINITELY MORE than we might ask for or think!!!!!
God has answered a few prayers that I have been praying for a long time. and I don't know why I am surprised. I never know why I'm surprised.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." -- Psalm 37:4
It's so true.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Its been a while, mates
Well here's an update... haven't written in a while, and a lot has changed since the last time I wrote!!
I started my last semester at UCF... taking two electives online and one on Thursday afternoons on the main campus...
I moved out of Mom and Dad's house... now I live with two girls that I know from dancing, Lacy and Jenn.
I got a full-time job as an administrative assistant at a court reporting firm downtown... i love it!! So i've been getting up super early every morning! My coworkers are great, the work is exciting, and no day is ever the same. I come home without feeling like i've worked at all!
Still dancing a lot!
The fitness ministry at River Run Christian Church has been expanding; we are now offering Zumba classes 1-2 times monthly, which we have all been enjoying immensely! The next one is this monday night at 8pm.
I lost the five or six pounds I put on over the summer while traveling -- and I can see my abs again!! I havent been exercising near as much as I was a year ago, when I was really working to get weight off, but I have been staying very busy and since I have to cook for myself now, I generally don't eat as much. I've been cooking a lot, as well, lots of new recipes. I've even made chana masala and a few other curry dishes, and also Käsespätzle... which is a traditional Swabian (German) dish. soo good!
I haven't eaten any animals since July 18, 2009 on the airplane to San Francisco from Sydney. I feel a lot healthier and believe that removing animal protein from my diet and replacing it with plant proteins helps me stay lean.
Well that's it for now...
I started my last semester at UCF... taking two electives online and one on Thursday afternoons on the main campus...
I moved out of Mom and Dad's house... now I live with two girls that I know from dancing, Lacy and Jenn.
I got a full-time job as an administrative assistant at a court reporting firm downtown... i love it!! So i've been getting up super early every morning! My coworkers are great, the work is exciting, and no day is ever the same. I come home without feeling like i've worked at all!
Still dancing a lot!
The fitness ministry at River Run Christian Church has been expanding; we are now offering Zumba classes 1-2 times monthly, which we have all been enjoying immensely! The next one is this monday night at 8pm.
I lost the five or six pounds I put on over the summer while traveling -- and I can see my abs again!! I havent been exercising near as much as I was a year ago, when I was really working to get weight off, but I have been staying very busy and since I have to cook for myself now, I generally don't eat as much. I've been cooking a lot, as well, lots of new recipes. I've even made chana masala and a few other curry dishes, and also Käsespätzle... which is a traditional Swabian (German) dish. soo good!
I haven't eaten any animals since July 18, 2009 on the airplane to San Francisco from Sydney. I feel a lot healthier and believe that removing animal protein from my diet and replacing it with plant proteins helps me stay lean.
Well that's it for now...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Random Notebook Content
Stuff I've written in there lately...
-----------------------------
Whatever the greatest thing is on Earth, the greatest thing we can possibly conceive, God is greater than that.
-----------------------------
I am tired of caring so much about my image and what others think.
-----------------------------
"You and I both loved what you and I spoke of, and others just read of, others only read of the love, the love that I love" (Jason Mraz song)
-----------------------------
Blind faith, to me, is somewhat ridiculous and so I would like to begin seeking the truth with grand effort.
-----------------------------
It's so funny how I have changed in the last year.
-----------------------------
Can't wrap my mind around how we are all equally sinful in the eyes of God no matter what we have done. Can't wrap my mind around how Jesus just makes us all clean... how did I become a Christian, how did I get here? I don't remember choosing to give a shit about why I'm here or how I live. But I do, I do give a shit and sometimes, to be honest, I wish I didn't. And I try to stop trying to do the "right" thing all the time, try to stop analyzing my life, trying to predict the future and manipulate my life in attempt to make certain that all my dreams come true. I just don't remember choosing the hard way.
Really what I'd like to do is STOP worrying my life away, STOP caring what others think. I'd like to love someone without feeling like I have to explain why.
Yeah, that'd be good.
-----------------------------
Let my soul breathe.
-----------------------------
Current Endeavours:
1. get a job
2. buy a place to live
3. convince Lea that she doesn't belong in Australia and figure out how to keep her on this continent when she gets here
4. lose 3 kg
5. graduate from UCF
-----------------------------
What is a conscience?
-----------------------------
I just want to be a real person with real feelings who loves everything that breathes, and smiles because she wants to, not because everyone else is, who believes because she knows why, not because other people tell her why... who can shut out the influences from others that are trying to tell her how to live her life and that there's only one right way to exist.
-----------------------------
Whatever the greatest thing is on Earth, the greatest thing we can possibly conceive, God is greater than that.
-----------------------------
I am tired of caring so much about my image and what others think.
-----------------------------
"You and I both loved what you and I spoke of, and others just read of, others only read of the love, the love that I love" (Jason Mraz song)
-----------------------------
Blind faith, to me, is somewhat ridiculous and so I would like to begin seeking the truth with grand effort.
-----------------------------
It's so funny how I have changed in the last year.
-----------------------------
Can't wrap my mind around how we are all equally sinful in the eyes of God no matter what we have done. Can't wrap my mind around how Jesus just makes us all clean... how did I become a Christian, how did I get here? I don't remember choosing to give a shit about why I'm here or how I live. But I do, I do give a shit and sometimes, to be honest, I wish I didn't. And I try to stop trying to do the "right" thing all the time, try to stop analyzing my life, trying to predict the future and manipulate my life in attempt to make certain that all my dreams come true. I just don't remember choosing the hard way.
Really what I'd like to do is STOP worrying my life away, STOP caring what others think. I'd like to love someone without feeling like I have to explain why.
Yeah, that'd be good.
-----------------------------
Let my soul breathe.
-----------------------------
Current Endeavours:
1. get a job
2. buy a place to live
3. convince Lea that she doesn't belong in Australia and figure out how to keep her on this continent when she gets here
4. lose 3 kg
5. graduate from UCF
-----------------------------
What is a conscience?
-----------------------------
I just want to be a real person with real feelings who loves everything that breathes, and smiles because she wants to, not because everyone else is, who believes because she knows why, not because other people tell her why... who can shut out the influences from others that are trying to tell her how to live her life and that there's only one right way to exist.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
because a lot of people are asking... here's why I did it
This is why I decided to become a vegetarian...
((Disclaimer: I don't intend this to start any arguments, this is my own personal choice and opinion. I respect you, please respect me.))
1. Animal flesh doesn't taste THAT good to me. -- I found myself making chicken purely for the protein but covering it with something, like salsa or cheese, so it would taste like something other than ... animal flesh.
2. I don't want to support the meat industry anymore. They are disgustingly cruel to the animals they manufacture and although my refusing to eat animal flesh will not stop this, I don't have to join in. The cruelty really can't be denied, and I got sick of ignoring it... if you don't know what happened to the chicken or the cow or the pig or the turkey before it landed on your plate, watch this: Meet Your Meat
3. I don't really think we were ever meant to eat meat... our teeth aren't even sharp enough like other carnivores'. Think about it, we have to modify meat (by cooking it) in order for it not to be poisonous to us.
... and in Genesis 1 (28-30), it says "God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground. "Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so."
Dominion over animals does not mean we can treat them however way we wish because we're at the top of the "food chain".
4. I don't find ingesting dead animal carcass very sexy.
5. I stopped seeing animal flesh as food and began to see it instead for what it really is... the flesh of abused, diseased, often crippled, and slaughtered living creature. Why do I need to eat that?
6. It isn't very healthy IMO... again, watch Meet Your Meat.
7. I stopped seeing the sense in how it can be okay to manufacture and slaughter thousands of cows, pigs, chickens, turkies, etc. for food, because meat tastes good, but not okay to abuse dogs and cats, use them for shark bait in Mexico, or harvest seals and mink for their fur.
8. I cannot ignore it anymore. I don't think that "meat tastes good" is a good enough reason for me to continue eating it.
FAQ:
Q: Do you eat fish?
A: No; I don't like it.
------------------------------
Q: Do you eat eggs/milk?
A: Yes, at the moment I do, although in the future I may try to edge some of those items out of my diet, as the animals that are raised to produce those things aren't treated very well at all, either.
------------------------------
Q: How do you get your protein?
A: I'm in love with black beans.... i like beans a lot actually... so I eat a lot of those... and fortified foods like bread and cereals.
------------------------------
Q: What about B12?
A: Supplements. And occasional dairy products.
-------------------------------
Q: Why do you eat vegetables? They're living, too.
A: Vegetables are not creatures that can suffer and feel pain and carry (at least not as many) deadly diseases.
Feel free to post any other questions if you have them.
((Disclaimer: I don't intend this to start any arguments, this is my own personal choice and opinion. I respect you, please respect me.))
1. Animal flesh doesn't taste THAT good to me. -- I found myself making chicken purely for the protein but covering it with something, like salsa or cheese, so it would taste like something other than ... animal flesh.
2. I don't want to support the meat industry anymore. They are disgustingly cruel to the animals they manufacture and although my refusing to eat animal flesh will not stop this, I don't have to join in. The cruelty really can't be denied, and I got sick of ignoring it... if you don't know what happened to the chicken or the cow or the pig or the turkey before it landed on your plate, watch this: Meet Your Meat
3. I don't really think we were ever meant to eat meat... our teeth aren't even sharp enough like other carnivores'. Think about it, we have to modify meat (by cooking it) in order for it not to be poisonous to us.
... and in Genesis 1 (28-30), it says "God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground. "Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so."
Dominion over animals does not mean we can treat them however way we wish because we're at the top of the "food chain".
4. I don't find ingesting dead animal carcass very sexy.
5. I stopped seeing animal flesh as food and began to see it instead for what it really is... the flesh of abused, diseased, often crippled, and slaughtered living creature. Why do I need to eat that?
6. It isn't very healthy IMO... again, watch Meet Your Meat.
7. I stopped seeing the sense in how it can be okay to manufacture and slaughter thousands of cows, pigs, chickens, turkies, etc. for food, because meat tastes good, but not okay to abuse dogs and cats, use them for shark bait in Mexico, or harvest seals and mink for their fur.
8. I cannot ignore it anymore. I don't think that "meat tastes good" is a good enough reason for me to continue eating it.
FAQ:
Q: Do you eat fish?
A: No; I don't like it.
------------------------------
Q: Do you eat eggs/milk?
A: Yes, at the moment I do, although in the future I may try to edge some of those items out of my diet, as the animals that are raised to produce those things aren't treated very well at all, either.
------------------------------
Q: How do you get your protein?
A: I'm in love with black beans.... i like beans a lot actually... so I eat a lot of those... and fortified foods like bread and cereals.
------------------------------
Q: What about B12?
A: Supplements. And occasional dairy products.
-------------------------------
Q: Why do you eat vegetables? They're living, too.
A: Vegetables are not creatures that can suffer and feel pain and carry (at least not as many) deadly diseases.
Feel free to post any other questions if you have them.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
My Daily Battle to Avoid Being an Idiot Tomorrow
Every day I have to make choices. Every day I have to remind myself of what, or who, is worth my time, effort, toil, and affection. Many times I fail at this. Most days I fail to remember past decisions, and what pain and strife the foolish ones caused me. So I make similar decisions sometimes. Or at least I want to. VERY BADLY. And I tell myself it's not the same. I tell myself it wouldn't be me making the same mistake again. No way, I'm above that, I say to myself.
But how wrong I am! I don't see how I am being deceived. I allow myself to be fooled time and again. I chase the temporary, I long for the fleeting, I lust after the dishonorable.
Why am I so weak? I know the answer to this question and all of the others I've asked myself. I just don't like hearing it. Sometimes I'd rather be ignorant of good. Ignorant of honor. Ignorant of true freedom. That would make me a slave to my own desire, though. No, not me, I say to myself. It's not the same mistake, it's different, I'M different.. I'm above that.
But I have to keep reminding myself how wrong I am.
But how wrong I am! I don't see how I am being deceived. I allow myself to be fooled time and again. I chase the temporary, I long for the fleeting, I lust after the dishonorable.
Why am I so weak? I know the answer to this question and all of the others I've asked myself. I just don't like hearing it. Sometimes I'd rather be ignorant of good. Ignorant of honor. Ignorant of true freedom. That would make me a slave to my own desire, though. No, not me, I say to myself. It's not the same mistake, it's different, I'M different.. I'm above that.
But I have to keep reminding myself how wrong I am.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Recipe: Pan-fried Falafel and Hummus "Quesadillas"
I'm now a vegetarian and it's actually been pretty easy so far. Just realizing that I don't like the taste of meat itself that much has made it easier. As if simply thinking and being aware of what was on my plate doesn't make it easy enough! I haven't eaten so much "new" stuff in a long time, so I'm really glad to have given myself the opportunity to spread my epicurean wings a bit :-)
sooo here's something I made! Anyone can make this, it is sooo easy!
Falafel & Hummus "Quesadillas"
Ingredients:
1 can chickpeas (aka garbanzo beans), drained and rinsed
1 onion, normal sized, finely chopped
1 tbs minced garlic (can be jarred)
2 tablespoons parsley (fresh or otherwise)
1 tsp coriander or cilantro flakes
3/4 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp salt
two slices whole wheat bread, crumbled Note: *To crumble bread, simply break it into smaller pieces and rub it back in forth between your hands. Sometimes toasting the bread first makes it easier to crumble, and slightly stale bread works best of all.
- ready-made hummus, any flavor you like (or you can make your own! yum!)
- whole wheat tortillas
Heat a bit of olive oil in a frying pan over medium heat.
In a large bowl, mash the chickpeas with a fork until mostly smooth. Add the other ingredients and mix well! *You may want to add in some fat free yoghurt or even some hummus to give the mixture more of a moist feel so it spreads into the tortillas better
Spread hummus on the entire tortilla, pile desired amount of falafel mixture onto one side of the tortilla and fold over to form a "quesadilla" :-)
Once the oil is heated, place the quesadilla into the pan and let it cook. After about 4-5 minutes, use a spatula to lift up the quesadilla to check that its golden brown (NOT black!) and crispy, if it is, flip it over and wait for the same to occur on the other side. Once both sides are browned (note: the entire tortilla will not be brown), put it on a plate and cut it with a pizza cutter or eat it with a fork and knife.
Voilá!
sooo here's something I made! Anyone can make this, it is sooo easy!
Falafel & Hummus "Quesadillas"
Ingredients:
1 can chickpeas (aka garbanzo beans), drained and rinsed
1 onion, normal sized, finely chopped
1 tbs minced garlic (can be jarred)
2 tablespoons parsley (fresh or otherwise)
1 tsp coriander or cilantro flakes
3/4 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp salt
two slices whole wheat bread, crumbled Note: *To crumble bread, simply break it into smaller pieces and rub it back in forth between your hands. Sometimes toasting the bread first makes it easier to crumble, and slightly stale bread works best of all.
- ready-made hummus, any flavor you like (or you can make your own! yum!)
- whole wheat tortillas
Heat a bit of olive oil in a frying pan over medium heat.
In a large bowl, mash the chickpeas with a fork until mostly smooth. Add the other ingredients and mix well! *You may want to add in some fat free yoghurt or even some hummus to give the mixture more of a moist feel so it spreads into the tortillas better
Spread hummus on the entire tortilla, pile desired amount of falafel mixture onto one side of the tortilla and fold over to form a "quesadilla" :-)
Once the oil is heated, place the quesadilla into the pan and let it cook. After about 4-5 minutes, use a spatula to lift up the quesadilla to check that its golden brown (NOT black!) and crispy, if it is, flip it over and wait for the same to occur on the other side. Once both sides are browned (note: the entire tortilla will not be brown), put it on a plate and cut it with a pizza cutter or eat it with a fork and knife.
Voilá!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
arriving down under
Ahoy mateys,
a report on the flight and settling in!
flight was good -- didn't realize I needed a visa for australia until I went to check in and they said I needed one, so I paid $25 for it at the counter.. funny thing is is that they normally cost $55 if you buy them from the government in advance... so we lucked out I guess...
1st flight I sat in front of a couple with a baby who wouldn't stop screaming "a-DA! a-DA!!!!!!", it was annoying... five hours to LA, wasn't that bad... got to LA, went to the duty-free shop to find Lea's perfume, which they had a tester bottle of, but none for sale... i asked politely if I could buy the tester bottle because it was very important that I get this perfume... the guy had me wait around for a while while he did other stuff, then said he needed to call his boss to find out if he could sell it to me... so i went and got a happy meal at mcdonald's, ate, and came back.... he puts the tester in a bag and hands it to me! So i got a $50 bottle of perfume for free!! Turns out it's been discontinued anyway sooo... yay! probably the coolest thing that happened all 30 hours of flying!
So then came the looooong haul. Mom upgraded me to "economy plus" which bought me about 3-4 inches of leg room, which I was grateful for after I boarded the plane and saw the regular economy class seats, HA... every inch helps. I wasn't really able to sleep; i dozed off a few times. there was an overweight older man next to me who snored, just my luck... something funny though, you lose track of time when you're flying sooo long, you just sit there and get into this dreamlike, almost euphoric state, and you don't remember what its like to NOT fly... especially if you're by yourself. And since I didn't realize how much time was passing, I was sooo hungry, I kept eating and eating and I was just hungry all the time it seemed like. For me it was all one day that had passed, even though it was really almost two days, so I ate more than three meals and felt like I had overdone it food-wise, haha
I read all of Twilight and started on New Moon... didn't like Twilight as much, the movie probably ruined it for me...
The flights really weren't that bad... United Airlines stinks though, it really does. the food was okay, the staff was not, no one was really that nice at all! Once I got on the Sydney-Perth flight though, everything was super pleasant, I sat next to an 18-year-old Australian guy named Jack, who was nice and was ALSO reading Twilight, haha.. he was fun, we talked about accents and he thinks American accents are "so distinct!" haha... I dozed off for about 30 minutes and they also had on a documentary about Australian pin-up girls in the 40s, very interesting!! I was just so excited, though, I couldn't wait to see Lea!!!
And since I flew domestic I didn't have to go through customs again once I got to Perth, I just walked off the plane and there was Lea! YAY! Ruth came too, I am enjoying getting to know her! Check out the pic Lea posted of us on her wall! Very funny stuff,we were just both so ecstatic. There were beagles walking around smelling people's bags to make sure they didn't bring in any illegal stuff, very neat.
So we went to Leas house and I gave Lea alllll her presents that I've been collecting over the last seven or eight months (mom she likes the green sunglasses!), then I took a shower, and then we went to have lunch, and then when we were home again i slept for two.5 hours and i told Lea she HAD to wake me up, because I didn't want to sleep all day and be up all night, so I woke up at like 6:15pm (6:15am wednesday morning, lol) and I met Lea's parents; they are both so nice and funny, now I know where Lea gets her sense of humor! :-D
Last night we went to a mexican restaurant, where we ordered quesadillas, which were actually burritos surrounded by a ketchup-y substance, it didn't taste bad at all but it wasn't a quesadilla, haha and we also had sangria!!! like old times! i was very tired though so i don't remember much of last night, but it wasn't because of the sangria, I swear!
And then this morning we hung out for a while, and Ruth came over and we drove down the coast and I saw the Indian Ocean!!! I haven't seen the pacific "in person" yet, most people see that one before they see the Indian ocean, i'm mixing it up a bit, what can I say?! ;-) The beach is pretty here, indeed. We drove a little further. Lea and Ruth bought these crazy wideleg wrap pants things...We ate lunch at this restaurant in a warehouse type place, it was called Little Creatures. i think our waitress was canadian... they had really good french fries and they were served with garlic mayo, sooo yummy. strolled around in town, which was called Fremantle, it was a really cute town! i liked it.
we then went to the university campus where Lea and Ruth are students. its such a pretty campus! lots of lovely landscapes. Peacocks hang out there, its really neat. we also went to the river and saw black swans. there are seagulls here but a different type-- they look much cleaner than seagulls at home.
we went to the grocery store and got stuff to make sangria and quesadillas... the quesadillas were really good; we also had refried beans, rice, and pico de gallo to go with them!!!! so yummy :-D
so now we're just hanging out, i'm about to go to sleep... not really feeling jetlagged at all, I'm happy about that. I was awake all day, felt pretty darn good. my throats a little bit sore, which is freaking me out a bit. lea's is sore too... maybe its just the weather... i sure hope so... !
tomorrow we are going to go to swing dancing!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can hardly wait! :-D it might not be as awesome as UCF, but still, i'm excited about it. also i will get to see where Lea works! I also found out that Bank of America DOES have an agreement with a bank here, so I can withdraw for free if/when I need to...sweeeet!
well good night world!
a report on the flight and settling in!
flight was good -- didn't realize I needed a visa for australia until I went to check in and they said I needed one, so I paid $25 for it at the counter.. funny thing is is that they normally cost $55 if you buy them from the government in advance... so we lucked out I guess...
1st flight I sat in front of a couple with a baby who wouldn't stop screaming "a-DA! a-DA!!!!!!", it was annoying... five hours to LA, wasn't that bad... got to LA, went to the duty-free shop to find Lea's perfume, which they had a tester bottle of, but none for sale... i asked politely if I could buy the tester bottle because it was very important that I get this perfume... the guy had me wait around for a while while he did other stuff, then said he needed to call his boss to find out if he could sell it to me... so i went and got a happy meal at mcdonald's, ate, and came back.... he puts the tester in a bag and hands it to me! So i got a $50 bottle of perfume for free!! Turns out it's been discontinued anyway sooo... yay! probably the coolest thing that happened all 30 hours of flying!
So then came the looooong haul. Mom upgraded me to "economy plus" which bought me about 3-4 inches of leg room, which I was grateful for after I boarded the plane and saw the regular economy class seats, HA... every inch helps. I wasn't really able to sleep; i dozed off a few times. there was an overweight older man next to me who snored, just my luck... something funny though, you lose track of time when you're flying sooo long, you just sit there and get into this dreamlike, almost euphoric state, and you don't remember what its like to NOT fly... especially if you're by yourself. And since I didn't realize how much time was passing, I was sooo hungry, I kept eating and eating and I was just hungry all the time it seemed like. For me it was all one day that had passed, even though it was really almost two days, so I ate more than three meals and felt like I had overdone it food-wise, haha
I read all of Twilight and started on New Moon... didn't like Twilight as much, the movie probably ruined it for me...
The flights really weren't that bad... United Airlines stinks though, it really does. the food was okay, the staff was not, no one was really that nice at all! Once I got on the Sydney-Perth flight though, everything was super pleasant, I sat next to an 18-year-old Australian guy named Jack, who was nice and was ALSO reading Twilight, haha.. he was fun, we talked about accents and he thinks American accents are "so distinct!" haha... I dozed off for about 30 minutes and they also had on a documentary about Australian pin-up girls in the 40s, very interesting!! I was just so excited, though, I couldn't wait to see Lea!!!
And since I flew domestic I didn't have to go through customs again once I got to Perth, I just walked off the plane and there was Lea! YAY! Ruth came too, I am enjoying getting to know her! Check out the pic Lea posted of us on her wall! Very funny stuff,we were just both so ecstatic. There were beagles walking around smelling people's bags to make sure they didn't bring in any illegal stuff, very neat.
So we went to Leas house and I gave Lea alllll her presents that I've been collecting over the last seven or eight months (mom she likes the green sunglasses!), then I took a shower, and then we went to have lunch, and then when we were home again i slept for two.5 hours and i told Lea she HAD to wake me up, because I didn't want to sleep all day and be up all night, so I woke up at like 6:15pm (6:15am wednesday morning, lol) and I met Lea's parents; they are both so nice and funny, now I know where Lea gets her sense of humor! :-D
Last night we went to a mexican restaurant, where we ordered quesadillas, which were actually burritos surrounded by a ketchup-y substance, it didn't taste bad at all but it wasn't a quesadilla, haha and we also had sangria!!! like old times! i was very tired though so i don't remember much of last night, but it wasn't because of the sangria, I swear!
And then this morning we hung out for a while, and Ruth came over and we drove down the coast and I saw the Indian Ocean!!! I haven't seen the pacific "in person" yet, most people see that one before they see the Indian ocean, i'm mixing it up a bit, what can I say?! ;-) The beach is pretty here, indeed. We drove a little further. Lea and Ruth bought these crazy wideleg wrap pants things...We ate lunch at this restaurant in a warehouse type place, it was called Little Creatures. i think our waitress was canadian... they had really good french fries and they were served with garlic mayo, sooo yummy. strolled around in town, which was called Fremantle, it was a really cute town! i liked it.
we then went to the university campus where Lea and Ruth are students. its such a pretty campus! lots of lovely landscapes. Peacocks hang out there, its really neat. we also went to the river and saw black swans. there are seagulls here but a different type-- they look much cleaner than seagulls at home.
we went to the grocery store and got stuff to make sangria and quesadillas... the quesadillas were really good; we also had refried beans, rice, and pico de gallo to go with them!!!! so yummy :-D
so now we're just hanging out, i'm about to go to sleep... not really feeling jetlagged at all, I'm happy about that. I was awake all day, felt pretty darn good. my throats a little bit sore, which is freaking me out a bit. lea's is sore too... maybe its just the weather... i sure hope so... !
tomorrow we are going to go to swing dancing!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can hardly wait! :-D it might not be as awesome as UCF, but still, i'm excited about it. also i will get to see where Lea works! I also found out that Bank of America DOES have an agreement with a bank here, so I can withdraw for free if/when I need to...sweeeet!
well good night world!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Roots...tides...struggling to fathom the endless
Currently studying Ephesians... I love Paul's prayer for spiritual growth in chapter 3... (v. 14-21)
"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen."
That prayer is just so beautiful. Stuff in the Bible is better than any song lyrics or poem or story I have ever read. It is so raw and honest and lovely and pure. There's something there that song lyrics don't have. It's so alive! I found myself wondering how Paul felt when he was actually praying that prayer. I just thought to myself... Paul was a real guy who really prayed! This guy really walked the earth. Then I thought... JESUS really walked the Earth. Now I find myself really longing to comprehend this love that Paul was praying about. Wow...
Favorites
1. "Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong."
-- i really dig the part about roots growing down into God's love ... every time I read about roots in the Word I have this really vivid picture of a weak tree that has magnificent, strong roots deeply planted into the ground. The weak tree above ground is my earthly self, but my roots are strong and grounded.
-- Another image of roots is found in Colossians chapter 2:7 "Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness."
2. "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."
-- Sometimes I think when I tell God of my deepest desires, I suspect that I significantly underestimate the magnitude of what He's working on in me. I make God smaller to try and understand how He works. We should never think of our lives/problems/desires/etc as too big for God to handle or turn to good for His plan.
--------------------------
I dig the King James Version... my favorite translation is the New Living Translation, but I also like to read the King James version parallel to the NLT to compare how they express these awesome truths... check it out... its wildly poetic!
"For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;
That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen."
--------------------------
I especially dig "Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen."
I just LOVE it... "exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think" ... "world without end"... just so awe inspiring. The different words paint different pictures in my head and it makes me just pause... to think, catch my breath a bit, and wonder how I can even begin to grasp it. It's almost frustrating, almost overwhelming to even try to fathom "how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is."... it fills me up to where I feel as if I'm about to burst with joy, but I can't quite grasp it, can't quite reach it. My understanding of it -- just how endless God's love is -- is like the ebb and flow of the ocean tide. How I long for high tide! How I long for the tides of understanding to come in, and form lovely tidal pools so that I might bask in the absolute fullness of God's love that Paul prays about!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Fix You
I think we've all been here...
------------------------------------------------------------
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
-- "Fix You" -- Coldplay
------------------------------------------------------------
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down on your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
-- "Fix You" -- Coldplay
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Optimism - Repentance - Dreams - Etc.
There I was, dreading the first week off from school thinking all of my friends who have "real" jobs would be busy and I would have nothing to do. But God really blessed me this week, with a lot of fun and several new friends, and some hard lessons.
I'm doing a Bible study for the last week by Mark Driscoll and the whole study is on the Song of Solomon/Songs. I started off kiiiinda hating it, because I thought it was going to be all about marriage, something that seems either A. out of reach at the moment or B. like something I don't need/want right now anyway, but I kept listening. I'd like to be married someday... it's silly really, I feel like that's something people, including me, are almost ashamed to admit, that they want or need to be with someone else. Well, I not only would like that, I think I will need it, too...
Two questions I've been asking myself alllll week have been "What are you doing RIGHT NOW to prepare yourself for your heart's desires?" ...and... "How will my current lifestyle affect my future relationships?"... something I've learned from the study is that most people (myself included) don't really focus on getting ready to be in a relationship with another person until that person comes along, in which, in many cases, they then realize they aren't prepared at all. I'm one of those people.
This week God really showed me how selfish and prideful I can be... Mark pointed out that Solomon, although he was really following God in his younger years, that he walked away in his later years... and sinned big time against his wife. he used this to point out that although our first instinct is to scorn Solomon for being a jerk, but in reality, we are all capable of a LOT of evil things when we walk away from God. We're all selfish, I know I am... I was feeling really angry this week, it was one of those days where I was angry and I didn't know why, and I was driving along... somewhere... I asked out loud, "WHY am I so angry!?"... and then it hit me... because I wasn't getting what I [thought I] wanted!! I was, to put it simply, pouting.
Whoa, I thought, I feel like a complete idiot, and it was then I really saw how I had so quickly allowed the sin of pridefulness and selfishness to creep in, and ouch, ouch, ouch it hurt. I felt not just stupid but ashamed to call myself a Christian, what have I learned since Jesus first called me to him almost eight years ago? At that moment it felt like the answer was "nothing". And it sucked.
The next part of the study was on sin and repentance and what that really means... I transported myself back to October when I experienced repentance for what I feel was the very first time. Its about changing your MIND, not just your actions. Deciding to just stop doing something is one thing, but if your mind is still infested with that sin, ... well, you're in trouble.
Truly everyday should be us repenting from some thing in our life that isn't Christlike... no matter how dumb or miniscule of a thing it may seem.
More questions... how many people prepare for weddings and not for marriage? How many people forget that their significant other is a sinner, too? How many people are in or have been in relationships or marriages and are shocked and dismayed when they are sinned against? How many people have been completely void of grace for someone else, even though they've been given grace abounding, by God himself!? I have.
-------------------
This week I made a bunch of new acquaintances, some of which I am sure will soon become friends :-) I've really had a marvelous week. God is chipping away at me, molding me, changing me, that's what I want, but it hurts a lot sometimes. I suppose as long as I keep in mind that that is what He's doing, I'll be ok.
I'm not sure what to write next... I was going to write about optimism and dreams and etc., too, I have optimism, dreams, etc... there, I said it.
I'm doing a Bible study for the last week by Mark Driscoll and the whole study is on the Song of Solomon/Songs. I started off kiiiinda hating it, because I thought it was going to be all about marriage, something that seems either A. out of reach at the moment or B. like something I don't need/want right now anyway, but I kept listening. I'd like to be married someday... it's silly really, I feel like that's something people, including me, are almost ashamed to admit, that they want or need to be with someone else. Well, I not only would like that, I think I will need it, too...
Two questions I've been asking myself alllll week have been "What are you doing RIGHT NOW to prepare yourself for your heart's desires?" ...and... "How will my current lifestyle affect my future relationships?"... something I've learned from the study is that most people (myself included) don't really focus on getting ready to be in a relationship with another person until that person comes along, in which, in many cases, they then realize they aren't prepared at all. I'm one of those people.
This week God really showed me how selfish and prideful I can be... Mark pointed out that Solomon, although he was really following God in his younger years, that he walked away in his later years... and sinned big time against his wife. he used this to point out that although our first instinct is to scorn Solomon for being a jerk, but in reality, we are all capable of a LOT of evil things when we walk away from God. We're all selfish, I know I am... I was feeling really angry this week, it was one of those days where I was angry and I didn't know why, and I was driving along... somewhere... I asked out loud, "WHY am I so angry!?"... and then it hit me... because I wasn't getting what I [thought I] wanted!! I was, to put it simply, pouting.
Whoa, I thought, I feel like a complete idiot, and it was then I really saw how I had so quickly allowed the sin of pridefulness and selfishness to creep in, and ouch, ouch, ouch it hurt. I felt not just stupid but ashamed to call myself a Christian, what have I learned since Jesus first called me to him almost eight years ago? At that moment it felt like the answer was "nothing". And it sucked.
The next part of the study was on sin and repentance and what that really means... I transported myself back to October when I experienced repentance for what I feel was the very first time. Its about changing your MIND, not just your actions. Deciding to just stop doing something is one thing, but if your mind is still infested with that sin, ... well, you're in trouble.
Truly everyday should be us repenting from some thing in our life that isn't Christlike... no matter how dumb or miniscule of a thing it may seem.
More questions... how many people prepare for weddings and not for marriage? How many people forget that their significant other is a sinner, too? How many people are in or have been in relationships or marriages and are shocked and dismayed when they are sinned against? How many people have been completely void of grace for someone else, even though they've been given grace abounding, by God himself!? I have.
-------------------
This week I made a bunch of new acquaintances, some of which I am sure will soon become friends :-) I've really had a marvelous week. God is chipping away at me, molding me, changing me, that's what I want, but it hurts a lot sometimes. I suppose as long as I keep in mind that that is what He's doing, I'll be ok.
I'm not sure what to write next... I was going to write about optimism and dreams and etc., too, I have optimism, dreams, etc... there, I said it.
In Repair
"In Repair" -- John Mayer
Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair... I am in repair
Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair
And now I'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me
Oh it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh, I'm never really ready, I'm never really ready
I'm in repair, I'm not together
But I'm getting there...
I'm in repair, I'm not together
But I'm getting there...
I'm in repair, I'm not together
But I'm getting there
Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair... I am in repair
Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair
And now I'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me
Oh it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh, I'm never really ready, I'm never really ready
I'm in repair, I'm not together
But I'm getting there...
I'm in repair, I'm not together
But I'm getting there...
I'm in repair, I'm not together
But I'm getting there
Saturday, May 2, 2009
On Redemption
What another whirlwind of a week... God has already started to answer my scary prayer for change and has begun to chip away more of that part of me that I just despise. The prideful part, the joyless part, the despairing part of me.
In the last six weeks, I've been learning a lot about redemption. Actually, six weeks ago, I can't say that I really knew what that word even meant. And I still can't give you a book definition of it... but if you want one of those, man, go get a dictionary.
This week I watched/listened to Mark Driscoll's six-part study on the book of Ruth, called Redeeming Ruth. I had read through the book of Ruth once or twice before, but definitely didn't "get it" the way I do now. The whole story paints a picture of Ruth leaving her old way of life and trusting in God to redeem her.
I don't really know how to put all the stuff I soaked up this week into beautiful prose, so I'm just going to type out some things I wrote down in my notes...
On God...
-- God really is BIG, sovereign, and really, really in charge.
-- God is GOOD!
-- God is BIGGER than sin and He can redeem even the worst of it
-- God uses our suffering to sanctify us, and can use our sin to cause us to obey him more readily
-- God works through ME!
-- God does not bless sin, but he does use it for good
-- God is my Father
-- God loves me
-- God will bless me
On myself...
-- I am aiming to have character like Ruth... she's a hard worker, she runs to God in hardship instead of away from him, she loves her friends, gets connected, reads her Bible, prays, and tries to live righteously.
-- I do not offer a "path of least resistance" to Boaz, either
-- I do not--ever--want to be married to a dude who can't figure anything out
-- I want to live in a way that prepares me for the deepest desires of my heart
On the future "Dude of Dudes"... (my Boaz)
-- he will see me as worthy, as Boaz saw Ruth
-- protector and defender
-- has stuff figured out, and if he doesn't, he'll find a way TO figure it out
-- he won't be just looking for a woman who has followed a path of least resistance
-- he'll have an "end-game"
-- he won't be intimidated by any obstacle that stands between us
-- he won't be able to live without me :-)
-- he is a kind, prayerful man
-- he gets things done
-- he will talk to me
-- loves Jesus, and has a job
On "religion"...
-- it is the enemy of redemption
-- it says "if I obey, God will love me"
-- it says that there are good and bad people
-- it tells me that it is all about what I do
-- it never leads to joy or humility... only pride and despair
On "redemption"...
-- it says "God loves you"... period
-- it says that I can love God back
-- There are no good people, only bad people........and Jesus
-- redemption only cares about my new birth
-- it tells me that its NOT about what i've done, but about what JESUS has done
-- it's a gift that Jesus paid for
What else...
-- its not good fortune or luck, or happenstance, or karma... it's God's providence
-- Good legacy > good time
-- taking a risk is not foolish
-- sometimes we need to answer our own prayers... we ask God to do something and sometimes fail to notice when he has already equipped us to do it ourselves
sooooo... that's a lot of stuff. i think the biggest thing is that God is going to use me. I've got this weeeeiiiird feeling inside, not a bad weird, a good weird... I'm anxious and excited and nervous and a bit scared to see how God's gonna work His providence through me.
In the last six weeks, I've been learning a lot about redemption. Actually, six weeks ago, I can't say that I really knew what that word even meant. And I still can't give you a book definition of it... but if you want one of those, man, go get a dictionary.
This week I watched/listened to Mark Driscoll's six-part study on the book of Ruth, called Redeeming Ruth. I had read through the book of Ruth once or twice before, but definitely didn't "get it" the way I do now. The whole story paints a picture of Ruth leaving her old way of life and trusting in God to redeem her.
I don't really know how to put all the stuff I soaked up this week into beautiful prose, so I'm just going to type out some things I wrote down in my notes...
On God...
-- God really is BIG, sovereign, and really, really in charge.
-- God is GOOD!
-- God is BIGGER than sin and He can redeem even the worst of it
-- God uses our suffering to sanctify us, and can use our sin to cause us to obey him more readily
-- God works through ME!
-- God does not bless sin, but he does use it for good
-- God is my Father
-- God loves me
-- God will bless me
On myself...
-- I am aiming to have character like Ruth... she's a hard worker, she runs to God in hardship instead of away from him, she loves her friends, gets connected, reads her Bible, prays, and tries to live righteously.
-- I do not offer a "path of least resistance" to Boaz, either
-- I do not--ever--want to be married to a dude who can't figure anything out
-- I want to live in a way that prepares me for the deepest desires of my heart
On the future "Dude of Dudes"... (my Boaz)
-- he will see me as worthy, as Boaz saw Ruth
-- protector and defender
-- has stuff figured out, and if he doesn't, he'll find a way TO figure it out
-- he won't be just looking for a woman who has followed a path of least resistance
-- he'll have an "end-game"
-- he won't be intimidated by any obstacle that stands between us
-- he won't be able to live without me :-)
-- he is a kind, prayerful man
-- he gets things done
-- he will talk to me
-- loves Jesus, and has a job
On "religion"...
-- it is the enemy of redemption
-- it says "if I obey, God will love me"
-- it says that there are good and bad people
-- it tells me that it is all about what I do
-- it never leads to joy or humility... only pride and despair
On "redemption"...
-- it says "God loves you"... period
-- it says that I can love God back
-- There are no good people, only bad people........and Jesus
-- redemption only cares about my new birth
-- it tells me that its NOT about what i've done, but about what JESUS has done
-- it's a gift that Jesus paid for
What else...
-- its not good fortune or luck, or happenstance, or karma... it's God's providence
-- Good legacy > good time
-- taking a risk is not foolish
-- sometimes we need to answer our own prayers... we ask God to do something and sometimes fail to notice when he has already equipped us to do it ourselves
sooooo... that's a lot of stuff. i think the biggest thing is that God is going to use me. I've got this weeeeiiiird feeling inside, not a bad weird, a good weird... I'm anxious and excited and nervous and a bit scared to see how God's gonna work His providence through me.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
weak. weary. burdened.
First off, screw studying. There are so many more important things in life than studying for Sociology of Murder and Communication Technology. REALLY.
I feel like there's something I need to do but I don't know what it is.
Although they gave me every material thing my heart ever could have desired, those things were not what I needed from them. And now here I am, 22, and I don't have the answers to a lot of the questions I should have answers to. So what have I done/kind of still been doing? I go look for the answers to my Questions in alllll the wrong places.
I've been harboring a lot of anger. A loooot of anger. Why did I so often get yelled at for failing instead of coached through it? Why did I so often feel more fear and shame instead of comfort? Why do I always have to ask for attention? The worst part of all this is that I don't know how to get rid of this anger. I'm just now realizing why I feel the way I do. There's confrontation. What form does that take?
...I don't even know them... and I feel like they don't know me, either. What's worse is that I don't think they realize that they don't. I feel like they still look at me like I'm fifteen. An attempt to pour out a piece of my soul retrieves but an eyeroll or a "Don't be ridiculous!". So I retreat. I don't try anymore. They're either just not interested, or I have nothing of value to offer them.
I hide.
What I really wanted was for them to be interested in me. Not critical. Not judging. Not indifferent. Not envious. For them to look at me, actually notice me, and tell me that I was lovely and that they were proud of me for following my dreams. I wanted for them to be interested in each other. I want them to talk about each other to each other and not to me. I want them to need each other, lean on each other, put each other first. I wish I could have had a lifelong picture of non-obligatory, mad, romantic, even embarassing-t0-me love. I'm just now realizing what I have to catch up on. What does marriage look like? How am I supposed to talk with my spouse? What kind of needs should two partners fulfill for one another? How do I love someone the right way?
I feel really stupid about some of the choices I've made in 2009 so far. I feel so stupid for chasing things/people/dreams that weren't mine to chase. I don't even know what I was looking for. Perhaps I wasn't looking at all, but running. I'm just so weak. I've taken paths that, if I had prayed/thought about it more, I would have known that they lead to nowhere. So I ask myself... why did I do it? Why do I keep trying to share my soul with anyone that will give me the time of day? Why? With my insatiable thirst for adventure, perhaps just for the thrill of it. Just for some excitement. Just for the attention. Oh, desperation. It's embarassing to get caught in. It's a relief to get out of. And it's a hard pattern to break.
So, I pray. More like squeak sometimes. Sometimes whisper. Sometimes yell. I let God know that I am ready for change. My heart is changing more every day, even through these experiences. What a rough path it is right now. What I've been looking for, He has it. I could continue being angry about what I lacked growing up. I could continue looking, continue falling, continue taking the wrong paths. Or... I could forgive. I could stop looking at let things be revealed instead. I could move on. I could be me and know that that is okay. And I could take what God is offering. Redemption. Grace. Real love. It's free, after all. I know it will heal me.
I get much too psyched when I'm handed paper plates to eat my dinner off of... but they're so disposable... so impermanent. I need to remember that when the time comes, He will give me the deep blue china I've always dreamed of.
I feel like there's something I need to do but I don't know what it is.
Although they gave me every material thing my heart ever could have desired, those things were not what I needed from them. And now here I am, 22, and I don't have the answers to a lot of the questions I should have answers to. So what have I done/kind of still been doing? I go look for the answers to my Questions in alllll the wrong places.
I've been harboring a lot of anger. A loooot of anger. Why did I so often get yelled at for failing instead of coached through it? Why did I so often feel more fear and shame instead of comfort? Why do I always have to ask for attention? The worst part of all this is that I don't know how to get rid of this anger. I'm just now realizing why I feel the way I do. There's confrontation. What form does that take?
...I don't even know them... and I feel like they don't know me, either. What's worse is that I don't think they realize that they don't. I feel like they still look at me like I'm fifteen. An attempt to pour out a piece of my soul retrieves but an eyeroll or a "Don't be ridiculous!". So I retreat. I don't try anymore. They're either just not interested, or I have nothing of value to offer them.
I hide.
What I really wanted was for them to be interested in me. Not critical. Not judging. Not indifferent. Not envious. For them to look at me, actually notice me, and tell me that I was lovely and that they were proud of me for following my dreams. I wanted for them to be interested in each other. I want them to talk about each other to each other and not to me. I want them to need each other, lean on each other, put each other first. I wish I could have had a lifelong picture of non-obligatory, mad, romantic, even embarassing-t0-me love. I'm just now realizing what I have to catch up on. What does marriage look like? How am I supposed to talk with my spouse? What kind of needs should two partners fulfill for one another? How do I love someone the right way?
I feel really stupid about some of the choices I've made in 2009 so far. I feel so stupid for chasing things/people/dreams that weren't mine to chase. I don't even know what I was looking for. Perhaps I wasn't looking at all, but running. I'm just so weak. I've taken paths that, if I had prayed/thought about it more, I would have known that they lead to nowhere. So I ask myself... why did I do it? Why do I keep trying to share my soul with anyone that will give me the time of day? Why? With my insatiable thirst for adventure, perhaps just for the thrill of it. Just for some excitement. Just for the attention. Oh, desperation. It's embarassing to get caught in. It's a relief to get out of. And it's a hard pattern to break.
So, I pray. More like squeak sometimes. Sometimes whisper. Sometimes yell. I let God know that I am ready for change. My heart is changing more every day, even through these experiences. What a rough path it is right now. What I've been looking for, He has it. I could continue being angry about what I lacked growing up. I could continue looking, continue falling, continue taking the wrong paths. Or... I could forgive. I could stop looking at let things be revealed instead. I could move on. I could be me and know that that is okay. And I could take what God is offering. Redemption. Grace. Real love. It's free, after all. I know it will heal me.
I get much too psyched when I'm handed paper plates to eat my dinner off of... but they're so disposable... so impermanent. I need to remember that when the time comes, He will give me the deep blue china I've always dreamed of.
why prayer scares me
When there is something major on my heart, something plaguing my spirit, and totally weighing me down...it is so. hard. to. pray. !!!!! This morning I was thinking, why is that?
Well, my conclusion, at least for my own life, is that its hard to pray due to either one of two causes:
1. I don't believe God really cares/will hear me
2. I am afraid God will hear me....and do something about it
I used to really struggle with believing that God really cares about my issues. I still struggle with it sometimes. Why should God care about my petty problems; He has more important stuff to deal with, right? He has a book to read, a show to watch, people to talk to... so He's going to have me on the backburner for sure...right?
It all came down to the fact that I was looking at Jesus, the perfect mediator... I was looking at Him like a flawed human being. I guess that's what they mean when they say we simply cannot fathom all of Him.
...
Lately, though, prayer has had a totally different feel to it. "Prayer"... the word sounds so official and proper... once I stopped thinking that prayer can only happen at certainly places at certain times, and that once I dumped the idea that to pray, I have to edit and rearrange and censor my words, or God won't hear them.............. stuff changed.
That's the scary part.
Stuff CHANGES.
That is seriously why it scares me........... in recent months, this thing called "prayer" has come into my life with a new look. It's not art, it's honesty. Its not about saying the right words, the ones you think God wants to hear. Its saying the honest words--in the car, in the shower, in the kitchen, in passing...even if you have to whisper them, even if you have to yell them out.
So I've been praying a lot lately. Pretty desperately. Mostly that God would keep changing me. I used to long to be like Paul, how he says in Philippians to be content in all situations... but I don't think he was talking about this kind of situation... it's so uncomfortable to be where I am right now. I'm so anxious for God to move, I want Him to, but I hate not knowing the plan. So I ask that he would give me peace in waiting and not knowing...and contentment that even though I don't know, He does. Why isn't that enough for me? I don't know what He's going to do with me, how He's going to change my heart. Ah, but I just know that it needs to keep changing.
Some of that anxiety comes from not really knowing what is wrong with me, just that I'm not who God wants me to be yet. It bothers me that I'm not "there" yet. My heart is just so burdened and anxious. And it bothers me even more that I probably won't ever be "there".
I don't even know why I'm blogging about this.
Well, my conclusion, at least for my own life, is that its hard to pray due to either one of two causes:
1. I don't believe God really cares/will hear me
2. I am afraid God will hear me....and do something about it
I used to really struggle with believing that God really cares about my issues. I still struggle with it sometimes. Why should God care about my petty problems; He has more important stuff to deal with, right? He has a book to read, a show to watch, people to talk to... so He's going to have me on the backburner for sure...right?
It all came down to the fact that I was looking at Jesus, the perfect mediator... I was looking at Him like a flawed human being. I guess that's what they mean when they say we simply cannot fathom all of Him.
...
Lately, though, prayer has had a totally different feel to it. "Prayer"... the word sounds so official and proper... once I stopped thinking that prayer can only happen at certainly places at certain times, and that once I dumped the idea that to pray, I have to edit and rearrange and censor my words, or God won't hear them.............. stuff changed.
That's the scary part.
Stuff CHANGES.
That is seriously why it scares me........... in recent months, this thing called "prayer" has come into my life with a new look. It's not art, it's honesty. Its not about saying the right words, the ones you think God wants to hear. Its saying the honest words--in the car, in the shower, in the kitchen, in passing...even if you have to whisper them, even if you have to yell them out.
So I've been praying a lot lately. Pretty desperately. Mostly that God would keep changing me. I used to long to be like Paul, how he says in Philippians to be content in all situations... but I don't think he was talking about this kind of situation... it's so uncomfortable to be where I am right now. I'm so anxious for God to move, I want Him to, but I hate not knowing the plan. So I ask that he would give me peace in waiting and not knowing...and contentment that even though I don't know, He does. Why isn't that enough for me? I don't know what He's going to do with me, how He's going to change my heart. Ah, but I just know that it needs to keep changing.
Some of that anxiety comes from not really knowing what is wrong with me, just that I'm not who God wants me to be yet. It bothers me that I'm not "there" yet. My heart is just so burdened and anxious. And it bothers me even more that I probably won't ever be "there".
I don't even know why I'm blogging about this.
Friday, April 24, 2009
...lyrics...
More Than It Seems
Is my imagination running away
Or is all this really happening to me?
Am I a prince in a far-away land
Filled with fantasy?
Where is reality and
what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding on to the visions I've seen of what I could be
It's what I should be
More than it seems
These dreams inside blur reality's line
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems
More than it seems
Passing through darkness into my own world
Will I be more than when I left?
Never letting go of the lessons I've learned
This will make a change
A change within me
More than it seems
These dreams inside blur reality's line
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems
More than it seems
This time I won't run away
I found the strength to fight life's long days
This time I won't run away
'Til there's nothing left of me
Show me the way to these dreams
Is my imagination running away
Or is all this really happening to me?
Am I a prince in a far-away land
Filled with fantasy?
Where is reality and
what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding on to the visions I've seen of what I could be
It's what I should be
More than it seems
These dreams inside blur reality's line
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems
More than it seems
Passing through darkness into my own world
Will I be more than when I left?
Never letting go of the lessons I've learned
This will make a change
A change within me
More than it seems
These dreams inside blur reality's line
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems
More than it seems
This time I won't run away
I found the strength to fight life's long days
This time I won't run away
'Til there's nothing left of me
Show me the way to these dreams
Thursday, April 23, 2009
update... for the fans
Well i've gotten numerous complaints from my, erm, fan base that I haven't updated this in a while. Sometimes I don't have anything to say ya know.
i worked out only twice this whole week and let me tell ya, I'm feelin it. It's been quite a wacky and somewhat terrible, draining week. my whole schedule's been muddled. planning a nice long sweaty headache-inducing workout for tomorrow... well, scratch the headache part-- i've had a headache for three days straight!
last week I received an email about some internships on my university email account... i decided to send in my resume, even though I'm going to Australia for a month this summer. I applied for one at Comcast networks on Friday... and on Monday i got a phone call to schedule an interview! And that interview was this morning at 10am (hence no workout, unless I got up at like 5am, which I used to do, but now I stay up late, which I shouldn't do, but do anyway, grrr)
Aaanyway, the internship is actually at a channel owned by Comcast -- The Golf Channel! I wasn't aware of this till I got there, though, and even though the job description said it was in Research Park... its not, lol... it's out by Universal off Sand Lake! BUT there is good news... they were really impressed with my resume and I should hear back the middle of next week if I'm selected. The month-in-Australia thing didn't bother them a bit, that's a good sign... anyway its $12/hr and 24 hours (three days) a week. I do look at it as a win-win situation, though... although I'd be happy if I got the internship, because that would mean extra money and some great experience in my field of study, i'd also be happy if I didn't get it, because that means more free time to do whatever I want :-D like Skype with Australians! whoohoo!
i've learned a lot about anxiety this year so far. I forgot about my list of goals already... hmm
Anyway I used to make all these plans, right? I wrote about them here, I talked about them a lot.......and then God said, "nevermind"...... and i'm left in what seems like a cloud of dust as the entire rug was swiped out from under me. what's up with that? i realized I plan too far ahead. I realized I worry too much. I realized I was forgetting who is in control. I realized I wasn't God.
in 1 Peter it says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (5:6-8)
I really identify with these verses... now, at least ... it reminds me of so many things...
1. not being too proud of my own accomplishments
2. God's hand is mighty!
3. He will lift me up! -- but here's the kicker -- he's gonna do that "in DUE time"! -- which isn't necessarily my time.
4. I am anxious
5. I should cast ALL -- not some -- of that anxiety on Him
6. God cares for me
7. Be self-controlled and alert, lol... couldn't summarize that any simpler
8. the enemy is real ...
9. and he's LOOKING...
for people like me, lol... so I gotta be on the lookout. Hmm, funny, this morning in my devotional something caught my eye, too... "The enemy is content to let us profess Christianity as long as we don't practice it" ... its a big trap to avoid.
Hmm.. exams ... I took two this week and finished up a portfolio and next week I have two more, and then, folks, i'm technically done with school... the degree and minor part, at least. Still short a couple credits, though, so I'm sticking around for the fall to go 1/2 - 3/4 time, depending on what kind of work I have...
Only 59 days left til I go to Australia. I need to brush up on my accent :-) I recently realized that I'd be gone longer than I previously thought... four weeks instead of three. I really can't wait to go see Lea!!!!
Random fact... there was no new episode of Lost last night, SAD!!!
Random fact... pigs cannot look upwards... their necks don't bend that way.
random quote... "God gave us music that we might pray without words"
random picture... or not so random... its a pic of me in Gdansk, Poland... where I was one year ago today.
Well i love you guys :-) i'm going to go eat something. can't seem to keep myself satiated these days.......
Caitlin
i worked out only twice this whole week and let me tell ya, I'm feelin it. It's been quite a wacky and somewhat terrible, draining week. my whole schedule's been muddled. planning a nice long sweaty headache-inducing workout for tomorrow... well, scratch the headache part-- i've had a headache for three days straight!
last week I received an email about some internships on my university email account... i decided to send in my resume, even though I'm going to Australia for a month this summer. I applied for one at Comcast networks on Friday... and on Monday i got a phone call to schedule an interview! And that interview was this morning at 10am (hence no workout, unless I got up at like 5am, which I used to do, but now I stay up late, which I shouldn't do, but do anyway, grrr)
Aaanyway, the internship is actually at a channel owned by Comcast -- The Golf Channel! I wasn't aware of this till I got there, though, and even though the job description said it was in Research Park... its not, lol... it's out by Universal off Sand Lake! BUT there is good news... they were really impressed with my resume and I should hear back the middle of next week if I'm selected. The month-in-Australia thing didn't bother them a bit, that's a good sign... anyway its $12/hr and 24 hours (three days) a week. I do look at it as a win-win situation, though... although I'd be happy if I got the internship, because that would mean extra money and some great experience in my field of study, i'd also be happy if I didn't get it, because that means more free time to do whatever I want :-D like Skype with Australians! whoohoo!
i've learned a lot about anxiety this year so far. I forgot about my list of goals already... hmm
Anyway I used to make all these plans, right? I wrote about them here, I talked about them a lot.......and then God said, "nevermind"...... and i'm left in what seems like a cloud of dust as the entire rug was swiped out from under me. what's up with that? i realized I plan too far ahead. I realized I worry too much. I realized I was forgetting who is in control. I realized I wasn't God.
in 1 Peter it says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (5:6-8)
I really identify with these verses... now, at least ... it reminds me of so many things...
1. not being too proud of my own accomplishments
2. God's hand is mighty!
3. He will lift me up! -- but here's the kicker -- he's gonna do that "in DUE time"! -- which isn't necessarily my time.
4. I am anxious
5. I should cast ALL -- not some -- of that anxiety on Him
6. God cares for me
7. Be self-controlled and alert, lol... couldn't summarize that any simpler
8. the enemy is real ...
9. and he's LOOKING...
for people like me, lol... so I gotta be on the lookout. Hmm, funny, this morning in my devotional something caught my eye, too... "The enemy is content to let us profess Christianity as long as we don't practice it" ... its a big trap to avoid.
Hmm.. exams ... I took two this week and finished up a portfolio and next week I have two more, and then, folks, i'm technically done with school... the degree and minor part, at least. Still short a couple credits, though, so I'm sticking around for the fall to go 1/2 - 3/4 time, depending on what kind of work I have...
Only 59 days left til I go to Australia. I need to brush up on my accent :-) I recently realized that I'd be gone longer than I previously thought... four weeks instead of three. I really can't wait to go see Lea!!!!
Random fact... there was no new episode of Lost last night, SAD!!!
Random fact... pigs cannot look upwards... their necks don't bend that way.
random quote... "God gave us music that we might pray without words"
random picture... or not so random... its a pic of me in Gdansk, Poland... where I was one year ago today.
Well i love you guys :-) i'm going to go eat something. can't seem to keep myself satiated these days.......
Caitlin
Monday, April 13, 2009
Pictures of my life, hidden in the word
I read this today and I saw pictures of myself all throughout it... this is how God is speaking to me today.
Isaiah 43
15 I am the Lord, your Holy One,
Israel’s Creator and King.
16 I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,
making a dry path through the sea.
17 I called forth the mighty army of Egypt
with all its chariots and horses.
I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned,
their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.
18 “But forget all that—
it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
19 For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
20 The wild animals in the fields will thank me,
the jackals and owls, too,
for giving them water in the desert.
Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland
so my chosen people can be refreshed.
I lived in the dry wasteland... the desert, from verses 19 and 20... i've been there a lot in the last few years. but in the last months since october and november, when I finally stripped away my old life, i've discovered beautiful, refreshing rivers throughout the wasteland--they've appeared in the form of true repentance, a deeply renewed spirit, redeemed relationships, and new relationships. These things--these blessings, these people....they are my rivers.
But I've found that when I follow the rivers to leave the desert, I'm in somewhat of a wilderness (v.19) ... that pathway through the wilderness-- God has made one for me.
What is the wilderness? Its the New...the Unknown...the Unfamiliar...the Scary...i've tried to build my own pathways. Four months ago I wanted to move to Germany. Three months ago I wanted to move to New York. But this pathway through the wilderness has taken one unexpected turn after another, He's torn apart plan after plan, He has made them, made me, nothing... as in verse 17... my plans have been "snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick". And then, God gets in my head, just like in v. 18 and simply tells me: "Forget all that--it is nothing compared to what I am going to do!"
So ...... I'm forgetting it. All of it.
Enough of my own plan, my own head, my absurd self-sovereignty. I'm going to trust God.
Still, I am a wild animal like those in verse 20...even after all of my own paths have been destroyed over and over again... I can do nothing else but thank him for giving me water in the desert...because I was so very thirsty.
He reminds me, "Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland so my chosen people can be refreshed." (v.20)
So I rest... I am chosen, and I am refreshed.
Isaiah 43
15 I am the Lord, your Holy One,
Israel’s Creator and King.
16 I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,
making a dry path through the sea.
17 I called forth the mighty army of Egypt
with all its chariots and horses.
I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned,
their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.
18 “But forget all that—
it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
19 For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
20 The wild animals in the fields will thank me,
the jackals and owls, too,
for giving them water in the desert.
Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland
so my chosen people can be refreshed.
I lived in the dry wasteland... the desert, from verses 19 and 20... i've been there a lot in the last few years. but in the last months since october and november, when I finally stripped away my old life, i've discovered beautiful, refreshing rivers throughout the wasteland--they've appeared in the form of true repentance, a deeply renewed spirit, redeemed relationships, and new relationships. These things--these blessings, these people....they are my rivers.
But I've found that when I follow the rivers to leave the desert, I'm in somewhat of a wilderness (v.19) ... that pathway through the wilderness-- God has made one for me.
What is the wilderness? Its the New...the Unknown...the Unfamiliar...the Scary...i've tried to build my own pathways. Four months ago I wanted to move to Germany. Three months ago I wanted to move to New York. But this pathway through the wilderness has taken one unexpected turn after another, He's torn apart plan after plan, He has made them, made me, nothing... as in verse 17... my plans have been "snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick". And then, God gets in my head, just like in v. 18 and simply tells me: "Forget all that--it is nothing compared to what I am going to do!"
So ...... I'm forgetting it. All of it.
Enough of my own plan, my own head, my absurd self-sovereignty. I'm going to trust God.
Still, I am a wild animal like those in verse 20...even after all of my own paths have been destroyed over and over again... I can do nothing else but thank him for giving me water in the desert...because I was so very thirsty.
He reminds me, "Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland so my chosen people can be refreshed." (v.20)
So I rest... I am chosen, and I am refreshed.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
music that speaks
well, Rascal Flatts' new album came out yesterday and I bought the Mp3s on Amazon for $5! YEAH! anyway, i'm digging the whole album, especially the title track to the album, Unstoppable. it just speaks right to me...
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. --1 John 4:16, NIV
So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all
When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love- it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born, again
Oh, its a helpin' hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinin' on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Like a river keeps on rollin'
Like a north wind blowin'
Don't it feel good knowin'
Yeah
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love is unstoppable
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love
Love is unstoppable
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. --1 John 4:16, NIV
So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all
When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love- it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born, again
Oh, its a helpin' hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinin' on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Like a river keeps on rollin'
Like a north wind blowin'
Don't it feel good knowin'
Yeah
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love is unstoppable
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love
Love is unstoppable
Monday, April 6, 2009
what does it mean to be "restored"?
Hi. Well, it's 11:26pm and I actually am ready to go to bed, but as I was brushing and flossing (flossing is definitely one of the most awkward and unattractive things there is to do, lol... but whatev) ......some song lyrics came to mind. From one of my favorite songs-- "None but Jesus"... i listened to that song today. it always pulls at me.
Here are the words...its just a beautiful song, words and all and you can listen here
In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again I'll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours
All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore
I wrote the words down-- "I am restored". I circled them...and circled them again...and again...and another time. I AM RESTORED... but as I went to brush my teeth I asked myself, what does that even mean? how does God do that? under what conditions does God do that? Why does He do it?
Here's what I think it means.
It means none of yesterday's sin and sorrow matter anymore. It means that each day I wake up, he, Jesus, is there welcoming me, telling me, reminding me how much He loves me, and that WANTS me, for everything I am... and that it doesn't matter where I've been, who I was, or what I did while I was that person in that place... he won't leave me. ever.
What else does he tell me? that I don't have to DO anything to earn his love, and that I don't have to constantly fear that I'll lose that love. that he doesn't love me because he has to, because he feels obligated to, but because he wants to.
...he's not indifferent to me, he's not passive in my struggles and triumphs, he's not disappointed in me, he absolutely delights in me. He won't give me the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, he doesn't have mood swings, he doesn't hold grudges. He's available. he's inviting. he doesn't curse under his breath at his child wanting to spend time with him.
He's not what I'm used to.
Here are the words...its just a beautiful song, words and all and you can listen here
In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again I'll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours
All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore
I wrote the words down-- "I am restored". I circled them...and circled them again...and again...and another time. I AM RESTORED... but as I went to brush my teeth I asked myself, what does that even mean? how does God do that? under what conditions does God do that? Why does He do it?
Here's what I think it means.
It means none of yesterday's sin and sorrow matter anymore. It means that each day I wake up, he, Jesus, is there welcoming me, telling me, reminding me how much He loves me, and that WANTS me, for everything I am... and that it doesn't matter where I've been, who I was, or what I did while I was that person in that place... he won't leave me. ever.
What else does he tell me? that I don't have to DO anything to earn his love, and that I don't have to constantly fear that I'll lose that love. that he doesn't love me because he has to, because he feels obligated to, but because he wants to.
...he's not indifferent to me, he's not passive in my struggles and triumphs, he's not disappointed in me, he absolutely delights in me. He won't give me the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, he doesn't have mood swings, he doesn't hold grudges. He's available. he's inviting. he doesn't curse under his breath at his child wanting to spend time with him.
He's not what I'm used to.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
chapter 2
Read through Colossians today.. one of my faves. one of my favorite verses is in chapter 2 ... "Let your roots grow down into [Christ], and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness."
I read the whole book, and while, at three pages, it was painstakingly long... but every time i read through it, chapter 2 sticks out to me. every word.
Here in chapter 2 we are reminded things like how GOD made us alive in Christ... that he took away our sins by nailing them to the cross, that all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge lie hidden in Christ. I want to spend my life looking for those treasures! That God's plan is mysterious. and that that the body of Christ grows as God nourishes it,...and in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body.
and that to be made alive, we also died with Christ. Sometimes I feel dead, so burdened, so tired. but thats not what this means. we died "to our sin" with Christ. Somehow, God looks at us and sees no sin. Something about that blood. I can't really get my mind around that.... but if Christ really did this, if Christ really did all these things, I guess I'll trust Him.
Whenever I start thinking about what it really means to put my trust in Christ and this mysterious plan, my heart kind of starts beating a little bit faster and my limbs feel weak. Like I want to jump out of my chair and run somewhere. I guess I'll run towards him.
I may need to be pushed sometimes. but I'm going to keep running. Whatever this "body" is that was made new because he died, it wants to go back to Him. I am compelled; I can't get away from him. And yes, i have tried to get away. Its a life of constant renewal in God.
and like in verse 7, the more i get to know Him, the more he rummages around my heart and soul, the more uncomfortable he makes me, the more it truly does make me overflow with thankfulness. Still, I'm growing roots into Him, and I am trying, striving, struggling to build my life on Him. i'd like to say that doing so will be safe, but i know its not. i'm not bothered by it, though. its not safe, but I trust him. i'm not safe, but i'm free.
I read the whole book, and while, at three pages, it was painstakingly long... but every time i read through it, chapter 2 sticks out to me. every word.
Here in chapter 2 we are reminded things like how GOD made us alive in Christ... that he took away our sins by nailing them to the cross, that all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge lie hidden in Christ. I want to spend my life looking for those treasures! That God's plan is mysterious. and that that the body of Christ grows as God nourishes it,...and in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body.
and that to be made alive, we also died with Christ. Sometimes I feel dead, so burdened, so tired. but thats not what this means. we died "to our sin" with Christ. Somehow, God looks at us and sees no sin. Something about that blood. I can't really get my mind around that.... but if Christ really did this, if Christ really did all these things, I guess I'll trust Him.
Whenever I start thinking about what it really means to put my trust in Christ and this mysterious plan, my heart kind of starts beating a little bit faster and my limbs feel weak. Like I want to jump out of my chair and run somewhere. I guess I'll run towards him.
I may need to be pushed sometimes. but I'm going to keep running. Whatever this "body" is that was made new because he died, it wants to go back to Him. I am compelled; I can't get away from him. And yes, i have tried to get away. Its a life of constant renewal in God.
and like in verse 7, the more i get to know Him, the more he rummages around my heart and soul, the more uncomfortable he makes me, the more it truly does make me overflow with thankfulness. Still, I'm growing roots into Him, and I am trying, striving, struggling to build my life on Him. i'd like to say that doing so will be safe, but i know its not. i'm not bothered by it, though. its not safe, but I trust him. i'm not safe, but i'm free.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
sometimes there are no words
i don't really know what to write... i just know that I want to write... something... meaningful? absurd? both?
sometimes there are no words. i for some reason chose silence for the last four weeks.
sometimes there are no words, but someone's listening anyway.
God is not a human. Thank God :-) recently i've realized that i have a "bad habit" of equating God's nature with human nature... so when I do something stupid (and most of you know that i'm prone to that... cough) i have a tendency to assume that God feels the same way about me as I feel about myself... that He thinks i'm a failure or an idiot or that I'll never "get it"...
this, though, i think is part of this lifelong journey i somehow got sucked into at the age of fourteen... this journey of pursuit of the real God. who is He really? what can I give Him? does He need me? why do I need Him? how come its so hard to hold on? how could I EVER have thought this would be easy? and sometimes... really, sometimes... I think to myself, what was I thinking? I didn't sign up for this... pfff actually CARING about others and myself? actually trying to do the right thing? resisting temptation? Nobody told me any of this. I could generalize and say that all 14 year olds are idiots. . . . . . but sometimes I think its just me.
so here's to holding on tight for the rest of this wild ride called life. there are ups and downs and, i'm happy to say that right now, as surely as this wild wind rushes through the window and into my room, i'm on an up. one of the best ups i've experienced in a long time. the goal here , though, isn't to avoid the downs... because the next one's coming ... I wish I could go ahead and schedule it in my planner. No, its not my goal anymore to avoid the downs. not even potheads want to stay high, you know? ... my goal, instead, is to face the downs differently. look them in the face and make the choice (and it IS a choice!) to pray through them, hold on to my jesus instead of resenting Him in some way. stop blaming it on PMS. smile more. get over my self... all my worries, fears, pride...
get over myself...
to get over myself, i have to stay grounded in Him... he's real, i feel it, just like I feel that wind right now. just like i feel the sun, he's there and something compels me to open my mouth, my heart, to speak to him...even when there are no words.
sometimes there are no words. i for some reason chose silence for the last four weeks.
sometimes there are no words, but someone's listening anyway.
God is not a human. Thank God :-) recently i've realized that i have a "bad habit" of equating God's nature with human nature... so when I do something stupid (and most of you know that i'm prone to that... cough) i have a tendency to assume that God feels the same way about me as I feel about myself... that He thinks i'm a failure or an idiot or that I'll never "get it"...
this, though, i think is part of this lifelong journey i somehow got sucked into at the age of fourteen... this journey of pursuit of the real God. who is He really? what can I give Him? does He need me? why do I need Him? how come its so hard to hold on? how could I EVER have thought this would be easy? and sometimes... really, sometimes... I think to myself, what was I thinking? I didn't sign up for this... pfff actually CARING about others and myself? actually trying to do the right thing? resisting temptation? Nobody told me any of this. I could generalize and say that all 14 year olds are idiots. . . . . . but sometimes I think its just me.
so here's to holding on tight for the rest of this wild ride called life. there are ups and downs and, i'm happy to say that right now, as surely as this wild wind rushes through the window and into my room, i'm on an up. one of the best ups i've experienced in a long time. the goal here , though, isn't to avoid the downs... because the next one's coming ... I wish I could go ahead and schedule it in my planner. No, its not my goal anymore to avoid the downs. not even potheads want to stay high, you know? ... my goal, instead, is to face the downs differently. look them in the face and make the choice (and it IS a choice!) to pray through them, hold on to my jesus instead of resenting Him in some way. stop blaming it on PMS. smile more. get over my self... all my worries, fears, pride...
get over myself...
to get over myself, i have to stay grounded in Him... he's real, i feel it, just like I feel that wind right now. just like i feel the sun, he's there and something compels me to open my mouth, my heart, to speak to him...even when there are no words.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Goals for my 22nd year on earth
Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday... yesterday I changed my mind again on when to graduate... I'm not going to graduate until December, as I had originally planned. Its better that way... because I'm not ready to pack up and leave yet... if I graduated in August, I will have been home for just one year and I don't think I'm ready yet. I have felt myself changing every single day lately and something tells me that as much as I want to get out on my own into the "real" world, its not quite time and I need to slow down a bit or I'll regret it down the road...
Also I'm going to visit my friend Lea in Australia (many of you only know her as "Mate"), whom I just love and miss so much... that's a big reason I decided against graduating in the summer... I could only visit her if I went to the Summer A term, BUT if I went to Summer A, I couldn't get my scholarship advance as I'd planned, since they have changed the rules so I HAVE to take summer B... and I thought to myself, in one year, five years, ten years, twenty years... I will NOT say to myself "wow, I'm so glad I rushed through college and didn't go to Australia to visit Lea..." no, I will say the exact opposite of that... I have this great opportunity, money and time to do it, and who knows if I'll ever get to do it again.
So I'm going to Australia, folks...
I want to take some time now too to write out some goals for my 22nd year on this planet... no particular order, some silly, some serious
1. continue growing the healthy4him ministry at river run
2. get my personal trainer certification
3. go to Australia and survive the flights there and back
4. finish watching all of the Lost episodes I haven't seen
5. rewrite my basic cover letter and optimize my resume
6. take some courses in grammar and more courses in writing
7. do the challenge course at UCF
8. maintain my weight loss and continue to build strength
9. be nicer to and more patient with people
10. be slower to get angry
11. pray more, keep staying in the word
12. make a lasagna
13. make my own pizza dough
14. run a 5k race
15. FINISH MY DEGREE!!!
thats it so far...
Also I'm going to visit my friend Lea in Australia (many of you only know her as "Mate"), whom I just love and miss so much... that's a big reason I decided against graduating in the summer... I could only visit her if I went to the Summer A term, BUT if I went to Summer A, I couldn't get my scholarship advance as I'd planned, since they have changed the rules so I HAVE to take summer B... and I thought to myself, in one year, five years, ten years, twenty years... I will NOT say to myself "wow, I'm so glad I rushed through college and didn't go to Australia to visit Lea..." no, I will say the exact opposite of that... I have this great opportunity, money and time to do it, and who knows if I'll ever get to do it again.
So I'm going to Australia, folks...
I want to take some time now too to write out some goals for my 22nd year on this planet... no particular order, some silly, some serious
1. continue growing the healthy4him ministry at river run
2. get my personal trainer certification
3. go to Australia and survive the flights there and back
4. finish watching all of the Lost episodes I haven't seen
5. rewrite my basic cover letter and optimize my resume
6. take some courses in grammar and more courses in writing
7. do the challenge course at UCF
8. maintain my weight loss and continue to build strength
9. be nicer to and more patient with people
10. be slower to get angry
11. pray more, keep staying in the word
12. make a lasagna
13. make my own pizza dough
14. run a 5k race
15. FINISH MY DEGREE!!!
thats it so far...
Monday, February 16, 2009
Down agaiN!
Well today I got back on the scale to see if it had been playing a joke on me, haha... and it read 0.4 lbs LESS than yesterday, can ya'll believe that!?
Today I turbo jammed for 40 minutes with 1 lb gloves, and it was very difficult, but I followed with 20 minutes of relaxing pilates...! and now I feel great!!
Today I turbo jammed for 40 minutes with 1 lb gloves, and it was very difficult, but I followed with 20 minutes of relaxing pilates...! and now I feel great!!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I MADE GOAL!!!
WOW! Imagine my surprise this morning after getting on the scale to see that, AFTER I stopped Turbo jamming myself to death and instead creating a [really fun] balance between fitness walking, weights, Turbo Jam, pilates, and power yoga... my weight had DROPPED to 130.8 lbs! WOW!!! I've made my goal! (Okay i know my official goal was 130 lbs even, however I know that I started at more than 148, and my actual goal was to drop 18 lbs, which I have!!!!!)
Here you can see pics of me on my journey... damn it took me so long to get where I am but I gotta tell ya'll, I feel amazing. I haven't been sick since I started this, plus my posture has improved, my strength, balance, concentration, breathing, everything has improved. Funny part is, I've only been to the gym twice, both times for a class with Hannah! I feel blessed to be an example of NOT needing a gym to change your body... you just need patience, consistency, prayer, and commitment.
Here you can see pics of me on my journey... damn it took me so long to get where I am but I gotta tell ya'll, I feel amazing. I haven't been sick since I started this, plus my posture has improved, my strength, balance, concentration, breathing, everything has improved. Funny part is, I've only been to the gym twice, both times for a class with Hannah! I feel blessed to be an example of NOT needing a gym to change your body... you just need patience, consistency, prayer, and commitment.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
fighting against the past
Last night while I was lying in bed I decided to start reminding myself of all the stupid things I did when I was in high school... I mean REALLY stupid things. REALLY REALLY stupid things that I had forgotten about, blocked out of my memory until last night, pretty much. And I don't know why I just remembered them last night of all times... kinda silly...
On a brighter note, I am totally rocking the power yoga and pilates... yesterday I did the MTV power yoga workout (55 minutes of sweat right there) and I got frustrated with myself because I couldnt do the full backbend/upward bow/full wheel pose... i cursed at myself and said I couldnt do it... but then I got to thinking, why CAN'T I do it? so I paused the DVD and tried, and I couldnt get my head off the floor, couldn't straightend my arms... so I pressed play again and tried to forget about it... well a minute later I pressed pause again and really focused... i placed my hands, did some deep breathing, inhaled one more time and PUSHED... and I DID IT! It was an amazing feeling, and totally wacky to be in that position. I lowered down and did it again :-D it was too cool.
verse for the day... found it a few days ago in my reading...
For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners. matthew 9:13
i just feel like a complete moron today, the other night i submitted an application for an internship at Deutsche Bank in Frankfurt, someplace I dont want to live anyway,but it sounds like a great 2-3 month long internship so I applied... and submitted a resume on which I completely forgot to finish the objective, DAMN i'm an idiot... so i am trying to forget about that... maybe its a sign... maybe they wont notice and I'll get offered the position anyway, lol... but I cant let it get me down.
Also I am soooo doubting my ability to get any kind of job on the education i have, lol... I just dont think I have learned much of anything to cause any company in Germany to have a reason to give me a job. Germans have way more credentials than I do, except I am good at customer service and writing...
but who am i kidding... i hate worrying about this stuff all the time, why can't I trust God more? why do I try to rely on myself all the time? I obviously stink at it.
But at least I can do a full back bend.... thats something, right?
On a brighter note, I am totally rocking the power yoga and pilates... yesterday I did the MTV power yoga workout (55 minutes of sweat right there) and I got frustrated with myself because I couldnt do the full backbend/upward bow/full wheel pose... i cursed at myself and said I couldnt do it... but then I got to thinking, why CAN'T I do it? so I paused the DVD and tried, and I couldnt get my head off the floor, couldn't straightend my arms... so I pressed play again and tried to forget about it... well a minute later I pressed pause again and really focused... i placed my hands, did some deep breathing, inhaled one more time and PUSHED... and I DID IT! It was an amazing feeling, and totally wacky to be in that position. I lowered down and did it again :-D it was too cool.
verse for the day... found it a few days ago in my reading...
For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners. matthew 9:13
i just feel like a complete moron today, the other night i submitted an application for an internship at Deutsche Bank in Frankfurt, someplace I dont want to live anyway,but it sounds like a great 2-3 month long internship so I applied... and submitted a resume on which I completely forgot to finish the objective, DAMN i'm an idiot... so i am trying to forget about that... maybe its a sign... maybe they wont notice and I'll get offered the position anyway, lol... but I cant let it get me down.
Also I am soooo doubting my ability to get any kind of job on the education i have, lol... I just dont think I have learned much of anything to cause any company in Germany to have a reason to give me a job. Germans have way more credentials than I do, except I am good at customer service and writing...
but who am i kidding... i hate worrying about this stuff all the time, why can't I trust God more? why do I try to rely on myself all the time? I obviously stink at it.
But at least I can do a full back bend.... thats something, right?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
update, geez i'm a slacker
Well, it has been ALMOST a month since I last wrote. So it's time to write...
this semester I am taking 5 courses and 1 lab and it's been a considerable amount of work. During the week I still tutor German 6-8 hours on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Its been cool to have a lot to do and not be so bored.
I have toned down my workouts a lot; i used to do Turbo Jam every single day and sweat my butt off, and strength training a few times a week, but back in January I went to a yoga class with HB and it was such a challenge! I was sore the next day! So since then I have been researching and learning about yoga... I decided to clean out some of my workout collection and sold some of my DVDs... the ones that aren't fun at all and that I never do, lol... and since amazon was having such a big sale, I invested in some new workouts, mainly yoga and pilates... my favorite so far have been these workouts by Ellen Barrett, based on workouts done in her own fitness center, called The Studio... those are awesome and all done barefoot. Ever since I started doing yoga and pilates I swear i have lost a few inches in my thighs and there is no doubt that my shoulders are more sculpted... now I have a definite "bump" between my shoulder and my bicep, its kinda hot :-) plus pilates and yoga are both great for abs and I CAN DO PUSH UPS NOW! It's kind of a dream come true that I'm finally branching out in fitness, because I was getting kinda worried about carrying on my "stompy" workouts in Germany... what if my neighbors aren't so tolerant, lol... I have also found that yoga makes me feel sooo good that it motivates me more to eat well. I still do Turbo and my fitness walking, but I definitely have more of a variety each day now.
... and all of that keeps me challenged... cuz i'm done losing weight, now I just wanna be firm all over, and healthy!
On January 25, I started reading the One Year Bible ... so far I'm doing well. It's definitely crazy, especially the Old Testament. It's opening my eyes and heart, but it hasn't been easy so far. I find myself really wrestling with my HEAD... my heart is opening but my head wants to stay closed, it yeeeeearns for black and white. I'm learning to be content with gray, content with mystery. I will never and can never know everything. So I'm going to TRY to love God and love people (both of which are extremely hard sometimes, because you have to love yourself too and I suck at that).
So I guess thats it for now... I love Wednesdays but I hate Wednesdays... I can't get in my normal workout on Wednesdays unless I get up at 5am, but lately I've been getting up at 6:15 or so... I only hate them because theyre so loooong... I leave at 9 and I get home at 8pm. Tuesdays would be just as long but I've taken to coming home in between... its worth it :-)
Well the people in this room are obnoxiously loud so I am going to go warm up my soup for lunch :-)
this semester I am taking 5 courses and 1 lab and it's been a considerable amount of work. During the week I still tutor German 6-8 hours on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Its been cool to have a lot to do and not be so bored.
I have toned down my workouts a lot; i used to do Turbo Jam every single day and sweat my butt off, and strength training a few times a week, but back in January I went to a yoga class with HB and it was such a challenge! I was sore the next day! So since then I have been researching and learning about yoga... I decided to clean out some of my workout collection and sold some of my DVDs... the ones that aren't fun at all and that I never do, lol... and since amazon was having such a big sale, I invested in some new workouts, mainly yoga and pilates... my favorite so far have been these workouts by Ellen Barrett, based on workouts done in her own fitness center, called The Studio... those are awesome and all done barefoot. Ever since I started doing yoga and pilates I swear i have lost a few inches in my thighs and there is no doubt that my shoulders are more sculpted... now I have a definite "bump" between my shoulder and my bicep, its kinda hot :-) plus pilates and yoga are both great for abs and I CAN DO PUSH UPS NOW! It's kind of a dream come true that I'm finally branching out in fitness, because I was getting kinda worried about carrying on my "stompy" workouts in Germany... what if my neighbors aren't so tolerant, lol... I have also found that yoga makes me feel sooo good that it motivates me more to eat well. I still do Turbo and my fitness walking, but I definitely have more of a variety each day now.
... and all of that keeps me challenged... cuz i'm done losing weight, now I just wanna be firm all over, and healthy!
On January 25, I started reading the One Year Bible ... so far I'm doing well. It's definitely crazy, especially the Old Testament. It's opening my eyes and heart, but it hasn't been easy so far. I find myself really wrestling with my HEAD... my heart is opening but my head wants to stay closed, it yeeeeearns for black and white. I'm learning to be content with gray, content with mystery. I will never and can never know everything. So I'm going to TRY to love God and love people (both of which are extremely hard sometimes, because you have to love yourself too and I suck at that).
So I guess thats it for now... I love Wednesdays but I hate Wednesdays... I can't get in my normal workout on Wednesdays unless I get up at 5am, but lately I've been getting up at 6:15 or so... I only hate them because theyre so loooong... I leave at 9 and I get home at 8pm. Tuesdays would be just as long but I've taken to coming home in between... its worth it :-)
Well the people in this room are obnoxiously loud so I am going to go warm up my soup for lunch :-)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
keeping it simple
Man, exercise makes me feel SOOO good!! I can't get over it. I think our Lord is a freaking GENIUS.
Today I walked two miles with 2 lb weights, did the Turbo Jam BOOTY SCULPT with 9 lb and 6 lb weights, and then jogged for 1 mile with 1 lb weights. Wow! I just love it!
Lately I have just gotten myself so mixed up with every little teeny detail about my faith and what *I* think God wants, and just pushing aside what God REALLY wants... that I, like a child, just LOVE Him, serve Him with my life, showing His light and glory to the world.
Kids don't care how long it took for God to create the Earth, they don't care about all these things in this belief system that I, my culture, this society of the western world, has constructed. They don't even know that this HUGE cultural and historical web that straps them into their identity exists. They just believe in the LORD JESUS!!
REALLY... Is there really anything else that matters? I try to remind myself over and over again that there is NOT anything else that matters besides Jesus, but time and time again, still, I let myself get down about not being able to grasp a certain concept or believe an exact way that I am "supposed" to believe. And then I just think, is God up there asking me to relax, breathe Him in, and just believe in Him, love him, have faith in Him, that its OKAY not to be perfect.
It's a hard concept to grasp I think... not having to earn our salvation. Yet day in and day out I feel myself inclined to try to earn it by being someone "acceptable" to God in the things I do. I try so hard and even lose sleep over it, just trying to figure out why I do the things I do, why I am the way I am... but ya know, even if I go through my entire life not accepted by ANYONE because of those things, if all my friends decide I'm a basket case, God still accepts me. And I heard Him whisper that to me this morning.
Today I walked two miles with 2 lb weights, did the Turbo Jam BOOTY SCULPT with 9 lb and 6 lb weights, and then jogged for 1 mile with 1 lb weights. Wow! I just love it!
Lately I have just gotten myself so mixed up with every little teeny detail about my faith and what *I* think God wants, and just pushing aside what God REALLY wants... that I, like a child, just LOVE Him, serve Him with my life, showing His light and glory to the world.
Kids don't care how long it took for God to create the Earth, they don't care about all these things in this belief system that I, my culture, this society of the western world, has constructed. They don't even know that this HUGE cultural and historical web that straps them into their identity exists. They just believe in the LORD JESUS!!
REALLY... Is there really anything else that matters? I try to remind myself over and over again that there is NOT anything else that matters besides Jesus, but time and time again, still, I let myself get down about not being able to grasp a certain concept or believe an exact way that I am "supposed" to believe. And then I just think, is God up there asking me to relax, breathe Him in, and just believe in Him, love him, have faith in Him, that its OKAY not to be perfect.
It's a hard concept to grasp I think... not having to earn our salvation. Yet day in and day out I feel myself inclined to try to earn it by being someone "acceptable" to God in the things I do. I try so hard and even lose sleep over it, just trying to figure out why I do the things I do, why I am the way I am... but ya know, even if I go through my entire life not accepted by ANYONE because of those things, if all my friends decide I'm a basket case, God still accepts me. And I heard Him whisper that to me this morning.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Whoa, here I am, ya'll!
I really couldn't think of a better title, lol...
Well, I am proud to say that I only took about three days off in the last month... that's right up to par... I was very strict on my exercise during the holidays, but I did slack off on the eating... all of my clothes still fit and I even bought a pair of Banana Republic jeans after Christmas... size 4!
I feel awesome... my body really is looking good.
It has been hard to stick to strength training recently, because I had a really difficult period this month and it makes me feel very weak... I cranked out the Turbo Jam Booty Sculpt this week, though, and my hammies have been sore for DAYS!!!
Also, even though I was on a Turbo Jam only kick for a month or so, I've been walking away the pounds a lot more recently... the Fat Burning 5 Mile Walk is really really great; I recently did the entire walk with two lb handweights. On days, especially around my period, when I just don't feel like doing complicated, really fast stuff, I love how Leslie can trick me into having a huge sweaty workout anyway. It's really great and I'm so grateful for both of these workout systems!!!
In other news, I'm in love with someone, lol... it's a really, really, really, really, REALLY long story that I will never be able to tell completely to anyone, its so crazy how it all happened and has been happening. As you all may have experienced in reading since October or so, a lot has changed for me... Anyway, his name is Steven and he lives in Germany.... I could write for days all about him, but that would, to me, seem like I'm trying to convince someone of the validity of my above statement of being in love... nope, I don't need to do any convincing this go-around :-) And it's the LAST go-around. You know that feeling... I sure know that feeling... I had it with fitness, too... you know, this is the last time I struggle with sticking to my workouts and keeping these pounds off... I had it with my walk with God... this is the last time I walk away from Him... well, I had it with relationships, too... I had my "last time" with screwing around, being careless, selfish and stupid.
I decided to graduate in August this year instead of December, YES! That means I could be going to Germany as early as September. Whoa. I'm currently working on building my resume... which is a LOT more work than it is here, if that's to believe, lol... I have to have a cover letter, attach a transcript, proof I worked in Germany, proof I graduated high school, info on all the schools I attended (even Columbia Elementary, lol) AND a professional portrait of myself, which I got done today.
So I will start applying soon for positions... as soon as I have everything together... even if its a bit early, I think it's a good idea to start applying now so I can get my face introduced to potential employers... I may have to start with an internship, but that's okay... I think as a backup plan, if I dont hear anything by late June from anyone I have applied to, I will go ahead and get my certification to teach English as a foreign language, so I can do that while I'm there... bc I am going there no matter what when I graduate. That has always been in my head, and there have been many times when I tried to push it out, but it keeps coming back!! You could say its a "dream" I've always had, but generally a "dream" is something you think about in the most idealistic sense... that is not this sort of thing... I know what sorts of things await me when I move there indefinitely. Both good and bad. I'm prepared for it... overall, the benefits far outweigh the costs in the long run, I believe.
I'm still praying, too. The thing I'm praying for the hardest is that Steven be taken away from me if he isn't the one... I trust God 100% that He will do this in His time if He wants to... I have a strong feeling, though, that He isn't going to...because I feel like God put him in my life for a very very very obvious reason. All the pieces fit, its wild, crazy, I know, but this is IT. I do think God is going to make me work to "keep" him, though, ... it's surely not going to be easy, but I think it's worth it, totally doable, and will make for quite an interesting journey, so to speak. All I can say is that I have never before met anyone for whom I would have ever thought the "work" would be worth doing, if that makes sense. "Work", by the way, loosely translates to mean a TON of waiting and seperation, and toleration of no physical contact whatsoever for long, long periods of time. I feel extremely blessed, though, for the ability to get to know someone (we talk ALL THE TIME on Skype lol) in this way without all of the usual distractions, if you get my drift. That's an answered prayer right there.
ODB has been great... still read it each morning. It always gives me something to think about and is a great encouragement to stay in the Word and to strive each day to keep focused on what really really matters in the "big picture"... so important!!
So...
... keep praying
... keep walking
... keep loving
keep on keeping on :-)
Yay for 2009!!!!!!
Well, I am proud to say that I only took about three days off in the last month... that's right up to par... I was very strict on my exercise during the holidays, but I did slack off on the eating... all of my clothes still fit and I even bought a pair of Banana Republic jeans after Christmas... size 4!
I feel awesome... my body really is looking good.
It has been hard to stick to strength training recently, because I had a really difficult period this month and it makes me feel very weak... I cranked out the Turbo Jam Booty Sculpt this week, though, and my hammies have been sore for DAYS!!!
Also, even though I was on a Turbo Jam only kick for a month or so, I've been walking away the pounds a lot more recently... the Fat Burning 5 Mile Walk is really really great; I recently did the entire walk with two lb handweights. On days, especially around my period, when I just don't feel like doing complicated, really fast stuff, I love how Leslie can trick me into having a huge sweaty workout anyway. It's really great and I'm so grateful for both of these workout systems!!!
In other news, I'm in love with someone, lol... it's a really, really, really, really, REALLY long story that I will never be able to tell completely to anyone, its so crazy how it all happened and has been happening. As you all may have experienced in reading since October or so, a lot has changed for me... Anyway, his name is Steven and he lives in Germany.... I could write for days all about him, but that would, to me, seem like I'm trying to convince someone of the validity of my above statement of being in love... nope, I don't need to do any convincing this go-around :-) And it's the LAST go-around. You know that feeling... I sure know that feeling... I had it with fitness, too... you know, this is the last time I struggle with sticking to my workouts and keeping these pounds off... I had it with my walk with God... this is the last time I walk away from Him... well, I had it with relationships, too... I had my "last time" with screwing around, being careless, selfish and stupid.
I decided to graduate in August this year instead of December, YES! That means I could be going to Germany as early as September. Whoa. I'm currently working on building my resume... which is a LOT more work than it is here, if that's to believe, lol... I have to have a cover letter, attach a transcript, proof I worked in Germany, proof I graduated high school, info on all the schools I attended (even Columbia Elementary, lol) AND a professional portrait of myself, which I got done today.
So I will start applying soon for positions... as soon as I have everything together... even if its a bit early, I think it's a good idea to start applying now so I can get my face introduced to potential employers... I may have to start with an internship, but that's okay... I think as a backup plan, if I dont hear anything by late June from anyone I have applied to, I will go ahead and get my certification to teach English as a foreign language, so I can do that while I'm there... bc I am going there no matter what when I graduate. That has always been in my head, and there have been many times when I tried to push it out, but it keeps coming back!! You could say its a "dream" I've always had, but generally a "dream" is something you think about in the most idealistic sense... that is not this sort of thing... I know what sorts of things await me when I move there indefinitely. Both good and bad. I'm prepared for it... overall, the benefits far outweigh the costs in the long run, I believe.
I'm still praying, too. The thing I'm praying for the hardest is that Steven be taken away from me if he isn't the one... I trust God 100% that He will do this in His time if He wants to... I have a strong feeling, though, that He isn't going to...because I feel like God put him in my life for a very very very obvious reason. All the pieces fit, its wild, crazy, I know, but this is IT. I do think God is going to make me work to "keep" him, though, ... it's surely not going to be easy, but I think it's worth it, totally doable, and will make for quite an interesting journey, so to speak. All I can say is that I have never before met anyone for whom I would have ever thought the "work" would be worth doing, if that makes sense. "Work", by the way, loosely translates to mean a TON of waiting and seperation, and toleration of no physical contact whatsoever for long, long periods of time. I feel extremely blessed, though, for the ability to get to know someone (we talk ALL THE TIME on Skype lol) in this way without all of the usual distractions, if you get my drift. That's an answered prayer right there.
ODB has been great... still read it each morning. It always gives me something to think about and is a great encouragement to stay in the Word and to strive each day to keep focused on what really really matters in the "big picture"... so important!!
So...
... keep praying
... keep walking
... keep loving
keep on keeping on :-)
Yay for 2009!!!!!!
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