First off, screw studying. There are so many more important things in life than studying for Sociology of Murder and Communication Technology. REALLY.
I feel like there's something I need to do but I don't know what it is.
Although they gave me every material thing my heart ever could have desired, those things were not what I needed from them. And now here I am, 22, and I don't have the answers to a lot of the questions I should have answers to. So what have I done/kind of still been doing? I go look for the answers to my Questions in alllll the wrong places.
I've been harboring a lot of anger. A loooot of anger. Why did I so often get yelled at for failing instead of coached through it? Why did I so often feel more fear and shame instead of comfort? Why do I always have to ask for attention? The worst part of all this is that I don't know how to get rid of this anger. I'm just now realizing why I feel the way I do. There's confrontation. What form does that take?
...I don't even know them... and I feel like they don't know me, either. What's worse is that I don't think they realize that they don't. I feel like they still look at me like I'm fifteen. An attempt to pour out a piece of my soul retrieves but an eyeroll or a "Don't be ridiculous!". So I retreat. I don't try anymore. They're either just not interested, or I have nothing of value to offer them.
I hide.
What I really wanted was for them to be interested in me. Not critical. Not judging. Not indifferent. Not envious. For them to look at me, actually notice me, and tell me that I was lovely and that they were proud of me for following my dreams. I wanted for them to be interested in each other. I want them to talk about each other to each other and not to me. I want them to need each other, lean on each other, put each other first. I wish I could have had a lifelong picture of non-obligatory, mad, romantic, even embarassing-t0-me love. I'm just now realizing what I have to catch up on. What does marriage look like? How am I supposed to talk with my spouse? What kind of needs should two partners fulfill for one another? How do I love someone the right way?
I feel really stupid about some of the choices I've made in 2009 so far. I feel so stupid for chasing things/people/dreams that weren't mine to chase. I don't even know what I was looking for. Perhaps I wasn't looking at all, but running. I'm just so weak. I've taken paths that, if I had prayed/thought about it more, I would have known that they lead to nowhere. So I ask myself... why did I do it? Why do I keep trying to share my soul with anyone that will give me the time of day? Why? With my insatiable thirst for adventure, perhaps just for the thrill of it. Just for some excitement. Just for the attention. Oh, desperation. It's embarassing to get caught in. It's a relief to get out of. And it's a hard pattern to break.
So, I pray. More like squeak sometimes. Sometimes whisper. Sometimes yell. I let God know that I am ready for change. My heart is changing more every day, even through these experiences. What a rough path it is right now. What I've been looking for, He has it. I could continue being angry about what I lacked growing up. I could continue looking, continue falling, continue taking the wrong paths. Or... I could forgive. I could stop looking at let things be revealed instead. I could move on. I could be me and know that that is okay. And I could take what God is offering. Redemption. Grace. Real love. It's free, after all. I know it will heal me.
I get much too psyched when I'm handed paper plates to eat my dinner off of... but they're so disposable... so impermanent. I need to remember that when the time comes, He will give me the deep blue china I've always dreamed of.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
why prayer scares me
When there is something major on my heart, something plaguing my spirit, and totally weighing me down...it is so. hard. to. pray. !!!!! This morning I was thinking, why is that?
Well, my conclusion, at least for my own life, is that its hard to pray due to either one of two causes:
1. I don't believe God really cares/will hear me
2. I am afraid God will hear me....and do something about it
I used to really struggle with believing that God really cares about my issues. I still struggle with it sometimes. Why should God care about my petty problems; He has more important stuff to deal with, right? He has a book to read, a show to watch, people to talk to... so He's going to have me on the backburner for sure...right?
It all came down to the fact that I was looking at Jesus, the perfect mediator... I was looking at Him like a flawed human being. I guess that's what they mean when they say we simply cannot fathom all of Him.
...
Lately, though, prayer has had a totally different feel to it. "Prayer"... the word sounds so official and proper... once I stopped thinking that prayer can only happen at certainly places at certain times, and that once I dumped the idea that to pray, I have to edit and rearrange and censor my words, or God won't hear them.............. stuff changed.
That's the scary part.
Stuff CHANGES.
That is seriously why it scares me........... in recent months, this thing called "prayer" has come into my life with a new look. It's not art, it's honesty. Its not about saying the right words, the ones you think God wants to hear. Its saying the honest words--in the car, in the shower, in the kitchen, in passing...even if you have to whisper them, even if you have to yell them out.
So I've been praying a lot lately. Pretty desperately. Mostly that God would keep changing me. I used to long to be like Paul, how he says in Philippians to be content in all situations... but I don't think he was talking about this kind of situation... it's so uncomfortable to be where I am right now. I'm so anxious for God to move, I want Him to, but I hate not knowing the plan. So I ask that he would give me peace in waiting and not knowing...and contentment that even though I don't know, He does. Why isn't that enough for me? I don't know what He's going to do with me, how He's going to change my heart. Ah, but I just know that it needs to keep changing.
Some of that anxiety comes from not really knowing what is wrong with me, just that I'm not who God wants me to be yet. It bothers me that I'm not "there" yet. My heart is just so burdened and anxious. And it bothers me even more that I probably won't ever be "there".
I don't even know why I'm blogging about this.
Well, my conclusion, at least for my own life, is that its hard to pray due to either one of two causes:
1. I don't believe God really cares/will hear me
2. I am afraid God will hear me....and do something about it
I used to really struggle with believing that God really cares about my issues. I still struggle with it sometimes. Why should God care about my petty problems; He has more important stuff to deal with, right? He has a book to read, a show to watch, people to talk to... so He's going to have me on the backburner for sure...right?
It all came down to the fact that I was looking at Jesus, the perfect mediator... I was looking at Him like a flawed human being. I guess that's what they mean when they say we simply cannot fathom all of Him.
...
Lately, though, prayer has had a totally different feel to it. "Prayer"... the word sounds so official and proper... once I stopped thinking that prayer can only happen at certainly places at certain times, and that once I dumped the idea that to pray, I have to edit and rearrange and censor my words, or God won't hear them.............. stuff changed.
That's the scary part.
Stuff CHANGES.
That is seriously why it scares me........... in recent months, this thing called "prayer" has come into my life with a new look. It's not art, it's honesty. Its not about saying the right words, the ones you think God wants to hear. Its saying the honest words--in the car, in the shower, in the kitchen, in passing...even if you have to whisper them, even if you have to yell them out.
So I've been praying a lot lately. Pretty desperately. Mostly that God would keep changing me. I used to long to be like Paul, how he says in Philippians to be content in all situations... but I don't think he was talking about this kind of situation... it's so uncomfortable to be where I am right now. I'm so anxious for God to move, I want Him to, but I hate not knowing the plan. So I ask that he would give me peace in waiting and not knowing...and contentment that even though I don't know, He does. Why isn't that enough for me? I don't know what He's going to do with me, how He's going to change my heart. Ah, but I just know that it needs to keep changing.
Some of that anxiety comes from not really knowing what is wrong with me, just that I'm not who God wants me to be yet. It bothers me that I'm not "there" yet. My heart is just so burdened and anxious. And it bothers me even more that I probably won't ever be "there".
I don't even know why I'm blogging about this.
Friday, April 24, 2009
...lyrics...
More Than It Seems
Is my imagination running away
Or is all this really happening to me?
Am I a prince in a far-away land
Filled with fantasy?
Where is reality and
what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding on to the visions I've seen of what I could be
It's what I should be
More than it seems
These dreams inside blur reality's line
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems
More than it seems
Passing through darkness into my own world
Will I be more than when I left?
Never letting go of the lessons I've learned
This will make a change
A change within me
More than it seems
These dreams inside blur reality's line
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems
More than it seems
This time I won't run away
I found the strength to fight life's long days
This time I won't run away
'Til there's nothing left of me
Show me the way to these dreams
Is my imagination running away
Or is all this really happening to me?
Am I a prince in a far-away land
Filled with fantasy?
Where is reality and
what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding on to the visions I've seen of what I could be
It's what I should be
More than it seems
These dreams inside blur reality's line
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems
More than it seems
Passing through darkness into my own world
Will I be more than when I left?
Never letting go of the lessons I've learned
This will make a change
A change within me
More than it seems
These dreams inside blur reality's line
If I could believe the dreams aside
I am capable more than it seems
More than it seems
This time I won't run away
I found the strength to fight life's long days
This time I won't run away
'Til there's nothing left of me
Show me the way to these dreams
Thursday, April 23, 2009
update... for the fans
Well i've gotten numerous complaints from my, erm, fan base that I haven't updated this in a while. Sometimes I don't have anything to say ya know.
i worked out only twice this whole week and let me tell ya, I'm feelin it. It's been quite a wacky and somewhat terrible, draining week. my whole schedule's been muddled. planning a nice long sweaty headache-inducing workout for tomorrow... well, scratch the headache part-- i've had a headache for three days straight!
last week I received an email about some internships on my university email account... i decided to send in my resume, even though I'm going to Australia for a month this summer. I applied for one at Comcast networks on Friday... and on Monday i got a phone call to schedule an interview! And that interview was this morning at 10am (hence no workout, unless I got up at like 5am, which I used to do, but now I stay up late, which I shouldn't do, but do anyway, grrr)
Aaanyway, the internship is actually at a channel owned by Comcast -- The Golf Channel! I wasn't aware of this till I got there, though, and even though the job description said it was in Research Park... its not, lol... it's out by Universal off Sand Lake! BUT there is good news... they were really impressed with my resume and I should hear back the middle of next week if I'm selected. The month-in-Australia thing didn't bother them a bit, that's a good sign... anyway its $12/hr and 24 hours (three days) a week. I do look at it as a win-win situation, though... although I'd be happy if I got the internship, because that would mean extra money and some great experience in my field of study, i'd also be happy if I didn't get it, because that means more free time to do whatever I want :-D like Skype with Australians! whoohoo!
i've learned a lot about anxiety this year so far. I forgot about my list of goals already... hmm
Anyway I used to make all these plans, right? I wrote about them here, I talked about them a lot.......and then God said, "nevermind"...... and i'm left in what seems like a cloud of dust as the entire rug was swiped out from under me. what's up with that? i realized I plan too far ahead. I realized I worry too much. I realized I was forgetting who is in control. I realized I wasn't God.
in 1 Peter it says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (5:6-8)
I really identify with these verses... now, at least ... it reminds me of so many things...
1. not being too proud of my own accomplishments
2. God's hand is mighty!
3. He will lift me up! -- but here's the kicker -- he's gonna do that "in DUE time"! -- which isn't necessarily my time.
4. I am anxious
5. I should cast ALL -- not some -- of that anxiety on Him
6. God cares for me
7. Be self-controlled and alert, lol... couldn't summarize that any simpler
8. the enemy is real ...
9. and he's LOOKING...
for people like me, lol... so I gotta be on the lookout. Hmm, funny, this morning in my devotional something caught my eye, too... "The enemy is content to let us profess Christianity as long as we don't practice it" ... its a big trap to avoid.
Hmm.. exams ... I took two this week and finished up a portfolio and next week I have two more, and then, folks, i'm technically done with school... the degree and minor part, at least. Still short a couple credits, though, so I'm sticking around for the fall to go 1/2 - 3/4 time, depending on what kind of work I have...
Only 59 days left til I go to Australia. I need to brush up on my accent :-) I recently realized that I'd be gone longer than I previously thought... four weeks instead of three. I really can't wait to go see Lea!!!!
Random fact... there was no new episode of Lost last night, SAD!!!
Random fact... pigs cannot look upwards... their necks don't bend that way.
random quote... "God gave us music that we might pray without words"
random picture... or not so random... its a pic of me in Gdansk, Poland... where I was one year ago today.
Well i love you guys :-) i'm going to go eat something. can't seem to keep myself satiated these days.......
Caitlin
i worked out only twice this whole week and let me tell ya, I'm feelin it. It's been quite a wacky and somewhat terrible, draining week. my whole schedule's been muddled. planning a nice long sweaty headache-inducing workout for tomorrow... well, scratch the headache part-- i've had a headache for three days straight!
last week I received an email about some internships on my university email account... i decided to send in my resume, even though I'm going to Australia for a month this summer. I applied for one at Comcast networks on Friday... and on Monday i got a phone call to schedule an interview! And that interview was this morning at 10am (hence no workout, unless I got up at like 5am, which I used to do, but now I stay up late, which I shouldn't do, but do anyway, grrr)
Aaanyway, the internship is actually at a channel owned by Comcast -- The Golf Channel! I wasn't aware of this till I got there, though, and even though the job description said it was in Research Park... its not, lol... it's out by Universal off Sand Lake! BUT there is good news... they were really impressed with my resume and I should hear back the middle of next week if I'm selected. The month-in-Australia thing didn't bother them a bit, that's a good sign... anyway its $12/hr and 24 hours (three days) a week. I do look at it as a win-win situation, though... although I'd be happy if I got the internship, because that would mean extra money and some great experience in my field of study, i'd also be happy if I didn't get it, because that means more free time to do whatever I want :-D like Skype with Australians! whoohoo!
i've learned a lot about anxiety this year so far. I forgot about my list of goals already... hmm
Anyway I used to make all these plans, right? I wrote about them here, I talked about them a lot.......and then God said, "nevermind"...... and i'm left in what seems like a cloud of dust as the entire rug was swiped out from under me. what's up with that? i realized I plan too far ahead. I realized I worry too much. I realized I was forgetting who is in control. I realized I wasn't God.
in 1 Peter it says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (5:6-8)
I really identify with these verses... now, at least ... it reminds me of so many things...
1. not being too proud of my own accomplishments
2. God's hand is mighty!
3. He will lift me up! -- but here's the kicker -- he's gonna do that "in DUE time"! -- which isn't necessarily my time.
4. I am anxious
5. I should cast ALL -- not some -- of that anxiety on Him
6. God cares for me
7. Be self-controlled and alert, lol... couldn't summarize that any simpler
8. the enemy is real ...
9. and he's LOOKING...
for people like me, lol... so I gotta be on the lookout. Hmm, funny, this morning in my devotional something caught my eye, too... "The enemy is content to let us profess Christianity as long as we don't practice it" ... its a big trap to avoid.
Hmm.. exams ... I took two this week and finished up a portfolio and next week I have two more, and then, folks, i'm technically done with school... the degree and minor part, at least. Still short a couple credits, though, so I'm sticking around for the fall to go 1/2 - 3/4 time, depending on what kind of work I have...
Only 59 days left til I go to Australia. I need to brush up on my accent :-) I recently realized that I'd be gone longer than I previously thought... four weeks instead of three. I really can't wait to go see Lea!!!!
Random fact... there was no new episode of Lost last night, SAD!!!
Random fact... pigs cannot look upwards... their necks don't bend that way.
random quote... "God gave us music that we might pray without words"
random picture... or not so random... its a pic of me in Gdansk, Poland... where I was one year ago today.
Well i love you guys :-) i'm going to go eat something. can't seem to keep myself satiated these days.......
Caitlin
Monday, April 13, 2009
Pictures of my life, hidden in the word
I read this today and I saw pictures of myself all throughout it... this is how God is speaking to me today.
Isaiah 43
15 I am the Lord, your Holy One,
Israel’s Creator and King.
16 I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,
making a dry path through the sea.
17 I called forth the mighty army of Egypt
with all its chariots and horses.
I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned,
their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.
18 “But forget all that—
it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
19 For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
20 The wild animals in the fields will thank me,
the jackals and owls, too,
for giving them water in the desert.
Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland
so my chosen people can be refreshed.
I lived in the dry wasteland... the desert, from verses 19 and 20... i've been there a lot in the last few years. but in the last months since october and november, when I finally stripped away my old life, i've discovered beautiful, refreshing rivers throughout the wasteland--they've appeared in the form of true repentance, a deeply renewed spirit, redeemed relationships, and new relationships. These things--these blessings, these people....they are my rivers.
But I've found that when I follow the rivers to leave the desert, I'm in somewhat of a wilderness (v.19) ... that pathway through the wilderness-- God has made one for me.
What is the wilderness? Its the New...the Unknown...the Unfamiliar...the Scary...i've tried to build my own pathways. Four months ago I wanted to move to Germany. Three months ago I wanted to move to New York. But this pathway through the wilderness has taken one unexpected turn after another, He's torn apart plan after plan, He has made them, made me, nothing... as in verse 17... my plans have been "snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick". And then, God gets in my head, just like in v. 18 and simply tells me: "Forget all that--it is nothing compared to what I am going to do!"
So ...... I'm forgetting it. All of it.
Enough of my own plan, my own head, my absurd self-sovereignty. I'm going to trust God.
Still, I am a wild animal like those in verse 20...even after all of my own paths have been destroyed over and over again... I can do nothing else but thank him for giving me water in the desert...because I was so very thirsty.
He reminds me, "Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland so my chosen people can be refreshed." (v.20)
So I rest... I am chosen, and I am refreshed.
Isaiah 43
15 I am the Lord, your Holy One,
Israel’s Creator and King.
16 I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,
making a dry path through the sea.
17 I called forth the mighty army of Egypt
with all its chariots and horses.
I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned,
their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.
18 “But forget all that—
it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
19 For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
20 The wild animals in the fields will thank me,
the jackals and owls, too,
for giving them water in the desert.
Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland
so my chosen people can be refreshed.
I lived in the dry wasteland... the desert, from verses 19 and 20... i've been there a lot in the last few years. but in the last months since october and november, when I finally stripped away my old life, i've discovered beautiful, refreshing rivers throughout the wasteland--they've appeared in the form of true repentance, a deeply renewed spirit, redeemed relationships, and new relationships. These things--these blessings, these people....they are my rivers.
But I've found that when I follow the rivers to leave the desert, I'm in somewhat of a wilderness (v.19) ... that pathway through the wilderness-- God has made one for me.
What is the wilderness? Its the New...the Unknown...the Unfamiliar...the Scary...i've tried to build my own pathways. Four months ago I wanted to move to Germany. Three months ago I wanted to move to New York. But this pathway through the wilderness has taken one unexpected turn after another, He's torn apart plan after plan, He has made them, made me, nothing... as in verse 17... my plans have been "snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick". And then, God gets in my head, just like in v. 18 and simply tells me: "Forget all that--it is nothing compared to what I am going to do!"
So ...... I'm forgetting it. All of it.
Enough of my own plan, my own head, my absurd self-sovereignty. I'm going to trust God.
Still, I am a wild animal like those in verse 20...even after all of my own paths have been destroyed over and over again... I can do nothing else but thank him for giving me water in the desert...because I was so very thirsty.
He reminds me, "Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland so my chosen people can be refreshed." (v.20)
So I rest... I am chosen, and I am refreshed.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
music that speaks
well, Rascal Flatts' new album came out yesterday and I bought the Mp3s on Amazon for $5! YEAH! anyway, i'm digging the whole album, especially the title track to the album, Unstoppable. it just speaks right to me...
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. --1 John 4:16, NIV
So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all
When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love- it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born, again
Oh, its a helpin' hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinin' on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Like a river keeps on rollin'
Like a north wind blowin'
Don't it feel good knowin'
Yeah
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love is unstoppable
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love
Love is unstoppable
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. --1 John 4:16, NIV
So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all
When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love- it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born, again
Oh, its a helpin' hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinin' on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Like a river keeps on rollin'
Like a north wind blowin'
Don't it feel good knowin'
Yeah
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love is unstoppable
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love
Love is unstoppable
Monday, April 6, 2009
what does it mean to be "restored"?
Hi. Well, it's 11:26pm and I actually am ready to go to bed, but as I was brushing and flossing (flossing is definitely one of the most awkward and unattractive things there is to do, lol... but whatev) ......some song lyrics came to mind. From one of my favorite songs-- "None but Jesus"... i listened to that song today. it always pulls at me.
Here are the words...its just a beautiful song, words and all and you can listen here
In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again I'll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours
All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore
I wrote the words down-- "I am restored". I circled them...and circled them again...and again...and another time. I AM RESTORED... but as I went to brush my teeth I asked myself, what does that even mean? how does God do that? under what conditions does God do that? Why does He do it?
Here's what I think it means.
It means none of yesterday's sin and sorrow matter anymore. It means that each day I wake up, he, Jesus, is there welcoming me, telling me, reminding me how much He loves me, and that WANTS me, for everything I am... and that it doesn't matter where I've been, who I was, or what I did while I was that person in that place... he won't leave me. ever.
What else does he tell me? that I don't have to DO anything to earn his love, and that I don't have to constantly fear that I'll lose that love. that he doesn't love me because he has to, because he feels obligated to, but because he wants to.
...he's not indifferent to me, he's not passive in my struggles and triumphs, he's not disappointed in me, he absolutely delights in me. He won't give me the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, he doesn't have mood swings, he doesn't hold grudges. He's available. he's inviting. he doesn't curse under his breath at his child wanting to spend time with him.
He's not what I'm used to.
Here are the words...its just a beautiful song, words and all and you can listen here
In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again I'll choose
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
In the chaos, in confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days
There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours
All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore
I wrote the words down-- "I am restored". I circled them...and circled them again...and again...and another time. I AM RESTORED... but as I went to brush my teeth I asked myself, what does that even mean? how does God do that? under what conditions does God do that? Why does He do it?
Here's what I think it means.
It means none of yesterday's sin and sorrow matter anymore. It means that each day I wake up, he, Jesus, is there welcoming me, telling me, reminding me how much He loves me, and that WANTS me, for everything I am... and that it doesn't matter where I've been, who I was, or what I did while I was that person in that place... he won't leave me. ever.
What else does he tell me? that I don't have to DO anything to earn his love, and that I don't have to constantly fear that I'll lose that love. that he doesn't love me because he has to, because he feels obligated to, but because he wants to.
...he's not indifferent to me, he's not passive in my struggles and triumphs, he's not disappointed in me, he absolutely delights in me. He won't give me the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, he doesn't have mood swings, he doesn't hold grudges. He's available. he's inviting. he doesn't curse under his breath at his child wanting to spend time with him.
He's not what I'm used to.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
chapter 2
Read through Colossians today.. one of my faves. one of my favorite verses is in chapter 2 ... "Let your roots grow down into [Christ], and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness."
I read the whole book, and while, at three pages, it was painstakingly long... but every time i read through it, chapter 2 sticks out to me. every word.
Here in chapter 2 we are reminded things like how GOD made us alive in Christ... that he took away our sins by nailing them to the cross, that all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge lie hidden in Christ. I want to spend my life looking for those treasures! That God's plan is mysterious. and that that the body of Christ grows as God nourishes it,...and in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body.
and that to be made alive, we also died with Christ. Sometimes I feel dead, so burdened, so tired. but thats not what this means. we died "to our sin" with Christ. Somehow, God looks at us and sees no sin. Something about that blood. I can't really get my mind around that.... but if Christ really did this, if Christ really did all these things, I guess I'll trust Him.
Whenever I start thinking about what it really means to put my trust in Christ and this mysterious plan, my heart kind of starts beating a little bit faster and my limbs feel weak. Like I want to jump out of my chair and run somewhere. I guess I'll run towards him.
I may need to be pushed sometimes. but I'm going to keep running. Whatever this "body" is that was made new because he died, it wants to go back to Him. I am compelled; I can't get away from him. And yes, i have tried to get away. Its a life of constant renewal in God.
and like in verse 7, the more i get to know Him, the more he rummages around my heart and soul, the more uncomfortable he makes me, the more it truly does make me overflow with thankfulness. Still, I'm growing roots into Him, and I am trying, striving, struggling to build my life on Him. i'd like to say that doing so will be safe, but i know its not. i'm not bothered by it, though. its not safe, but I trust him. i'm not safe, but i'm free.
I read the whole book, and while, at three pages, it was painstakingly long... but every time i read through it, chapter 2 sticks out to me. every word.
Here in chapter 2 we are reminded things like how GOD made us alive in Christ... that he took away our sins by nailing them to the cross, that all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge lie hidden in Christ. I want to spend my life looking for those treasures! That God's plan is mysterious. and that that the body of Christ grows as God nourishes it,...and in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body.
and that to be made alive, we also died with Christ. Sometimes I feel dead, so burdened, so tired. but thats not what this means. we died "to our sin" with Christ. Somehow, God looks at us and sees no sin. Something about that blood. I can't really get my mind around that.... but if Christ really did this, if Christ really did all these things, I guess I'll trust Him.
Whenever I start thinking about what it really means to put my trust in Christ and this mysterious plan, my heart kind of starts beating a little bit faster and my limbs feel weak. Like I want to jump out of my chair and run somewhere. I guess I'll run towards him.
I may need to be pushed sometimes. but I'm going to keep running. Whatever this "body" is that was made new because he died, it wants to go back to Him. I am compelled; I can't get away from him. And yes, i have tried to get away. Its a life of constant renewal in God.
and like in verse 7, the more i get to know Him, the more he rummages around my heart and soul, the more uncomfortable he makes me, the more it truly does make me overflow with thankfulness. Still, I'm growing roots into Him, and I am trying, striving, struggling to build my life on Him. i'd like to say that doing so will be safe, but i know its not. i'm not bothered by it, though. its not safe, but I trust him. i'm not safe, but i'm free.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
