update... for the fans

Well i've gotten numerous complaints from my, erm, fan base that I haven't updated this in a while. Sometimes I don't have anything to say ya know.

i worked out only twice this whole week and let me tell ya, I'm feelin it. It's been quite a wacky and somewhat terrible, draining week. my whole schedule's been muddled. planning a nice long sweaty headache-inducing workout for tomorrow... well, scratch the headache part-- i've had a headache for three days straight!

last week I received an email about some internships on my university email account... i decided to send in my resume, even though I'm going to Australia for a month this summer. I applied for one at Comcast networks on Friday... and on Monday i got a phone call to schedule an interview! And that interview was this morning at 10am (hence no workout, unless I got up at like 5am, which I used to do, but now I stay up late, which I shouldn't do, but do anyway, grrr)

Aaanyway, the internship is actually at a channel owned by Comcast -- The Golf Channel! I wasn't aware of this till I got there, though, and even though the job description said it was in Research Park... its not, lol... it's out by Universal off Sand Lake! BUT there is good news... they were really impressed with my resume and I should hear back the middle of next week if I'm selected. The month-in-Australia thing didn't bother them a bit, that's a good sign... anyway its $12/hr and 24 hours (three days) a week. I do look at it as a win-win situation, though... although I'd be happy if I got the internship, because that would mean extra money and some great experience in my field of study, i'd also be happy if I didn't get it, because that means more free time to do whatever I want :-D like Skype with Australians! whoohoo!


i've learned a lot about anxiety this year so far. I forgot about my list of goals already... hmm

Anyway I used to make all these plans, right? I wrote about them here, I talked about them a lot.......and then God said, "nevermind"...... and i'm left in what seems like a cloud of dust as the entire rug was swiped out from under me. what's up with that? i realized I plan too far ahead. I realized I worry too much. I realized I was forgetting who is in control. I realized I wasn't God.

in 1 Peter it says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." (5:6-8)

I really identify with these verses... now, at least ... it reminds me of so many things...

1. not being too proud of my own accomplishments
2. God's hand is mighty!
3. He will lift me up! -- but here's the kicker -- he's gonna do that "in DUE time"! -- which isn't necessarily my time.
4. I am anxious
5. I should cast ALL -- not some -- of that anxiety on Him
6. God cares for me
7. Be self-controlled and alert, lol... couldn't summarize that any simpler
8. the enemy is real ...
9. and he's LOOKING...


for people like me, lol... so I gotta be on the lookout. Hmm, funny, this morning in my devotional something caught my eye, too... "The enemy is content to let us profess Christianity as long as we don't practice it" ... its a big trap to avoid.


Hmm.. exams ... I took two this week and finished up a portfolio and next week I have two more, and then, folks, i'm technically done with school... the degree and minor part, at least. Still short a couple credits, though, so I'm sticking around for the fall to go 1/2 - 3/4 time, depending on what kind of work I have...

Only 59 days left til I go to Australia. I need to brush up on my accent :-) I recently realized that I'd be gone longer than I previously thought... four weeks instead of three. I really can't wait to go see Lea!!!!

Random fact... there was no new episode of Lost last night, SAD!!!

Random fact... pigs cannot look upwards... their necks don't bend that way.

random quote... "God gave us music that we might pray without words"

random picture... or not so random... its a pic of me in Gdansk, Poland... where I was one year ago today.


Well i love you guys :-) i'm going to go eat something. can't seem to keep myself satiated these days.......

Caitlin

Pictures of my life, hidden in the word

I read this today and I saw pictures of myself all throughout it... this is how God is speaking to me today.

Isaiah 43
¹⁵ I am the Lord, your Holy One,
Israel’s Creator and King.
¹⁶ I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,
making a dry path through the sea.
¹⁷ I called forth the mighty army of Egypt
with all its chariots and horses.
I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned,
their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.
¹⁸ “But forget all that—
it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
¹⁹ For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
²⁰ The wild animals in the fields will thank me,
the jackals and owls, too,
for giving them water in the desert.
Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland
so my chosen people can be refreshed.



I lived in the dry wasteland... the desert, from verses 19 and 20... i've been there a lot in the last few years. but in the last months since october and november, when I finally stripped away my old life, i've discovered beautiful, refreshing rivers throughout the wasteland--they've appeared in the form of true repentance, a deeply renewed spirit, redeemed relationships, and new relationships. These things--these blessings, these people....they are my rivers.

But I've found that when I follow the rivers to leave the desert, I'm in somewhat of a wilderness (v.19) ... that pathway through the wilderness-- God has made one for me.

What is the wilderness? Its the New...the Unknown...the Unfamiliar...the Scary...i've tried to build my own pathways. Four months ago I wanted to move to Germany. Three months ago I wanted to move to New York. But this pathway through the wilderness has taken one unexpected turn after another, He's torn apart plan after plan, He has made them, made me, nothing... as in verse 17... my plans have been "snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick". And then, God gets in my head, just like in v. 18 and simply tells me: "Forget all that--it is nothing compared to what I am going to do!"

So ...... I'm forgetting it. All of it.

Enough of my own plan, my own head, my absurd self-sovereignty. I'm going to trust God.

Still, I am a wild animal like those in verse 20...even after all of my own paths have been destroyed over and over again... I can do nothing else but thank him for giving me water in the desert...because I was so very thirsty.

He reminds me, "Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland so my chosen people can be refreshed." (v.20)

So I rest... I am chosen, and I am refreshed.

music that speaks

well, Rascal Flatts' new album came out yesterday and I bought the Mp3s on Amazon for $5! YEAH! anyway, i'm digging the whole album, especially the title track to the album, Unstoppable. it just speaks right to me...

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. --1 John 4:16, NIV


So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all
When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it

You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love- it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born, again
Oh, its a helpin' hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinin' on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out

You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Like a river keeps on rollin'
Like a north wind blowin'
Don't it feel good knowin'
Yeah

You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable
Love is unstoppable

So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love
Love is unstoppable

what does it mean to be "restored"?

Hi. Well, it's 11:26pm and I actually am ready to go to bed, but as I was brushing and flossing (flossing is definitely one of the most awkward and unattractive things there is to do, lol... but whatev) ......some song lyrics came to mind. From one of my favorite songs-- "None but Jesus"... i listened to that song today. it always pulls at me.

Here are the words...its just a beautiful song, words and all and you can listen here

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

I am yours and you are mine
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours and you are mine
I am yours

All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore


I wrote the words down-- "I am restored". I circled them...and circled them again...and again...and another time. I AM RESTORED... but as I went to brush my teeth I asked myself, what does that even mean? how does God do that? under what conditions does God do that? Why does He do it?

Here's what I think it means.

It means none of yesterday's sin and sorrow matter anymore. It means that each day I wake up, he, Jesus, is there welcoming me, telling me, reminding me how much He loves me, and that WANTS me, for everything I am... and that it doesn't matter where I've been, who I was, or what I did while I was that person in that place... he won't leave me. ever.

What else does he tell me? that I don't have to DO anything to earn his love, and that I don't have to constantly fear that I'll lose that love. that he doesn't love me because he has to, because he feels obligated to, but because he wants to.

...he's not indifferent to me, he's not passive in my struggles and triumphs, he's not disappointed in me, he absolutely delights in me. He won't give me the cold shoulder or the silent treatment, he doesn't have mood swings, he doesn't hold grudges. He's available. he's inviting. he doesn't curse under his breath at his child wanting to spend time with him.

He's not what I'm used to.

chapter 2

Read through Colossians today.. one of my faves. one of my favorite verses is in chapter 2 ... "Let your roots grow down into [Christ], and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness."

I read the whole book, and while, at three pages, it was painstakingly long... but every time i read through it, chapter 2 sticks out to me. every word.

Here in chapter 2 we are reminded things like how GOD made us alive in Christ... that he took away our sins by nailing them to the cross, that all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge lie hidden in Christ. I want to spend my life looking for those treasures! That God's plan is mysterious. and that that the body of Christ grows as God nourishes it,...and in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body.

and that to be made alive, we also died with Christ. Sometimes I feel dead, so burdened, so tired. but thats not what this means. we died "to our sin" with Christ. Somehow, God looks at us and sees no sin. Something about that blood. I can't really get my mind around that.... but if Christ really did this, if Christ really did all these things, I guess I'll trust Him.

Whenever I start thinking about what it really means to put my trust in Christ and this mysterious plan, my heart kind of starts beating a little bit faster and my limbs feel weak. Like I want to jump out of my chair and run somewhere. I guess I'll run towards him.

I may need to be pushed sometimes. but I'm going to keep running. Whatever this "body" is that was made new because he died, it wants to go back to Him. I am compelled; I can't get away from him. And yes, i have tried to get away. Its a life of constant renewal in God.

and like in verse 7, the more i get to know Him, the more he rummages around my heart and soul, the more uncomfortable he makes me, the more it truly does make me overflow with thankfulness. Still, I'm growing roots into Him, and I am trying, striving, struggling to build my life on Him. i'd like to say that doing so will be safe, but i know its not. i'm not bothered by it, though. its not safe, but I trust him. i'm not safe, but i'm free.

sometimes there are no words

i don't really know what to write... i just know that I want to write... something... meaningful? absurd? both?

sometimes there are no words. i for some reason chose silence for the last four weeks.

sometimes there are no words, but someone's listening anyway.

God is not a human. Thank God :-) recently i've realized that i have a "bad habit" of equating God's nature with human nature... so when I do something stupid (and most of you know that i'm prone to that... cough) i have a tendency to assume that God feels the same way about me as I feel about myself... that He thinks i'm a failure or an idiot or that I'll never "get it"...

this, though, i think is part of this lifelong journey i somehow got sucked into at the age of fourteen... this journey of pursuit of the real God. who is He really? what can I give Him? does He need me? why do I need Him? how come its so hard to hold on? how could I EVER have thought this would be easy? and sometimes... really, sometimes... I think to myself, what was I thinking? I didn't sign up for this... pfff actually CARING about others and myself? actually trying to do the right thing? resisting temptation? Nobody told me any of this. I could generalize and say that all 14 year olds are idiots. . . . . . but sometimes I think its just me.

so here's to holding on tight for the rest of this wild ride called life. there are ups and downs and, i'm happy to say that right now, as surely as this wild wind rushes through the window and into my room, i'm on an up. one of the best ups i've experienced in a long time. the goal here , though, isn't to avoid the downs... because the next one's coming ... I wish I could go ahead and schedule it in my planner. No, its not my goal anymore to avoid the downs. not even potheads want to stay high, you know? ... my goal, instead, is to face the downs differently. look them in the face and make the choice (and it IS a choice!) to pray through them, hold on to my jesus instead of resenting Him in some way. stop blaming it on PMS. smile more. get over my self... all my worries, fears, pride...

get over myself...

to get over myself, i have to stay grounded in Him... he's real, i feel it, just like I feel that wind right now. just like i feel the sun, he's there and something compels me to open my mouth, my heart, to speak to him...even when there are no words.

Goals for my 22nd year on earth

Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday... yesterday I changed my mind again on when to graduate... I'm not going to graduate until December, as I had originally planned. Its better that way... because I'm not ready to pack up and leave yet... if I graduated in August, I will have been home for just one year and I don't think I'm ready yet. I have felt myself changing every single day lately and something tells me that as much as I want to get out on my own into the "real" world, its not quite time and I need to slow down a bit or I'll regret it down the road...

Also I'm going to visit my friend Lea in Australia (many of you only know her as "Mate"), whom I just love and miss so much... that's a big reason I decided against graduating in the summer... I could only visit her if I went to the Summer A term, BUT if I went to Summer A, I couldn't get my scholarship advance as I'd planned, since they have changed the rules so I HAVE to take summer B... and I thought to myself, in one year, five years, ten years, twenty years... I will NOT say to myself "wow, I'm so glad I rushed through college and didn't go to Australia to visit Lea..." no, I will say the exact opposite of that... I have this great opportunity, money and time to do it, and who knows if I'll ever get to do it again.

So I'm going to Australia, folks...

I want to take some time now too to write out some goals for my 22nd year on this planet... no particular order, some silly, some serious

1. continue growing the healthy4him ministry at river run
2. get my personal trainer certification
3. go to Australia and survive the flights there and back
4. finish watching all of the Lost episodes I haven't seen
5. rewrite my basic cover letter and optimize my resume
6. take some courses in grammar and more courses in writing
7. do the challenge course at UCF
8. maintain my weight loss and continue to build strength
9. be nicer to and more patient with people
10. be slower to get angry
11. pray more, keep staying in the word
12. make a lasagna
13. make my own pizza dough
14. run a 5k race
15. FINISH MY DEGREE!!!

thats it so far...