When there is something major on my heart, something plaguing my spirit, and totally weighing me down...it is so. hard. to. pray. !!!!! This morning I was thinking, why is that?
Well, my conclusion, at least for my own life, is that its hard to pray due to either one of two causes:
1. I don't believe God really cares/will hear me
2. I am afraid God will hear me....and do something about it
I used to really struggle with believing that God really cares about my issues. I still struggle with it sometimes. Why should God care about my petty problems; He has more important stuff to deal with, right? He has a book to read, a show to watch, people to talk to... so He's going to have me on the backburner for sure...right?
It all came down to the fact that I was looking at Jesus, the perfect mediator... I was looking at Him like a flawed human being. I guess that's what they mean when they say we simply cannot fathom all of Him.
...
Lately, though, prayer has had a totally different feel to it. "Prayer"... the word sounds so official and proper... once I stopped thinking that prayer can only happen at certainly places at certain times, and that once I dumped the idea that to pray, I have to edit and rearrange and censor my words, or God won't hear them.............. stuff changed.
That's the scary part.
Stuff CHANGES.
That is seriously why it scares me........... in recent months, this thing called "prayer" has come into my life with a new look. It's not art, it's honesty. Its not about saying the right words, the ones you think God wants to hear. Its saying the honest words--in the car, in the shower, in the kitchen, in passing...even if you have to whisper them, even if you have to yell them out.
So I've been praying a lot lately. Pretty desperately. Mostly that God would keep changing me. I used to long to be like Paul, how he says in Philippians to be content in all situations... but I don't think he was talking about this kind of situation... it's so uncomfortable to be where I am right now. I'm so anxious for God to move, I want Him to, but I hate not knowing the plan. So I ask that he would give me peace in waiting and not knowing...and contentment that even though I don't know, He does. Why isn't that enough for me? I don't know what He's going to do with me, how He's going to change my heart. Ah, but I just know that it needs to keep changing.
Some of that anxiety comes from not really knowing what is wrong with me, just that I'm not who God wants me to be yet. It bothers me that I'm not "there" yet. My heart is just so burdened and anxious. And it bothers me even more that I probably won't ever be "there".
I don't even know why I'm blogging about this.
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1 comment:
Cait ~
Wow. This is some tough stuff to grapple with. Stuff I can really identify with. I get the feeling you're waiting for focusing a lot on a destination, of sorts. That place where you will finally "measure up" and be all that God created you to be. Personally, I think that place is Heaven, and in the meantime we are called simply to enjoy the ride.
I take comfort in the fact that God already sees us as perfect through Christ, and I believe that is a truth that literally sets us free to focus our energy and attention on growth, not perfection. Jesus has the 'perfect' thing down...and we have the priveledge of learning daily to be more like Him. But the fullness of our salvation - I believe that is what will be so worth celebrating for all of eternity.
Not sure that makes sense...it's harder to write than to think.
We'll talk soon.
~kel
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