weak. weary. burdened.

First off, screw studying. There are so many more important things in life than studying for Sociology of Murder and Communication Technology. REALLY.


I feel like there's something I need to do but I don't know what it is.


Although they gave me every material thing my heart ever could have desired, those things were not what I needed from them. And now here I am, 22, and I don't have the answers to a lot of the questions I should have answers to. So what have I done/kind of still been doing? I go look for the answers to my Questions in alllll the wrong places.


I've been harboring a lot of anger. A loooot of anger. Why did I so often get yelled at for failing instead of coached through it? Why did I so often feel more fear and shame instead of comfort? Why do I always have to ask for attention? The worst part of all this is that I don't know how to get rid of this anger. I'm just now realizing why I feel the way I do. There's confrontation. What form does that take?


...I don't even know them... and I feel like they don't know me, either. What's worse is that I don't think they realize that they don't. I feel like they still look at me like I'm fifteen. An attempt to pour out a piece of my soul retrieves but an eyeroll or a "Don't be ridiculous!". So I retreat. I don't try anymore. They're either just not interested, or I have nothing of value to offer them.


I hide.


What I really wanted was for them to be interested in me. Not critical. Not judging. Not indifferent. Not envious. For them to look at me, actually notice me, and tell me that I was lovely and that they were proud of me for following my dreams. I wanted for them to be interested in each other. I want them to talk about each other to each other and not to me. I want them to need each other, lean on each other, put each other first. I wish I could have had a lifelong picture of non-obligatory, mad, romantic, even embarassing-t0-me love. I'm just now realizing what I have to catch up on. What does marriage look like? How am I supposed to talk with my spouse? What kind of needs should two partners fulfill for one another? How do I love someone the right way?


I feel really stupid about some of the choices I've made in 2009 so far. I feel so stupid for chasing things/people/dreams that weren't mine to chase. I don't even know what I was looking for. Perhaps I wasn't looking at all, but running. I'm just so weak. I've taken paths that, if I had prayed/thought about it more, I would have known that they lead to nowhere. So I ask myself... why did I do it? Why do I keep trying to share my soul with anyone that will give me the time of day? Why? With my insatiable thirst for adventure, perhaps just for the thrill of it. Just for some excitement. Just for the attention. Oh, desperation. It's embarassing to get caught in. It's a relief to get out of. And it's a hard pattern to break.


So, I pray. More like squeak sometimes. Sometimes whisper. Sometimes yell. I let God know that I am ready for change. My heart is changing more every day, even through these experiences. What a rough path it is right now. What I've been looking for, He has it. I could continue being angry about what I lacked growing up. I could continue looking, continue falling, continue taking the wrong paths. Or... I could forgive. I could stop looking at let things be revealed instead. I could move on. I could be me and know that that is okay. And I could take what God is offering. Redemption. Grace. Real love. It's free, after all. I know it will heal me.


I get much too psyched when I'm handed paper plates to eat my dinner off of... but they're so disposable... so impermanent. I need to remember that when the time comes, He will give me the deep blue china I've always dreamed of.