sometimes there are no words

i don't really know what to write... i just know that I want to write... something... meaningful? absurd? both?

sometimes there are no words. i for some reason chose silence for the last four weeks.

sometimes there are no words, but someone's listening anyway.

God is not a human. Thank God :-) recently i've realized that i have a "bad habit" of equating God's nature with human nature... so when I do something stupid (and most of you know that i'm prone to that... cough) i have a tendency to assume that God feels the same way about me as I feel about myself... that He thinks i'm a failure or an idiot or that I'll never "get it"...

this, though, i think is part of this lifelong journey i somehow got sucked into at the age of fourteen... this journey of pursuit of the real God. who is He really? what can I give Him? does He need me? why do I need Him? how come its so hard to hold on? how could I EVER have thought this would be easy? and sometimes... really, sometimes... I think to myself, what was I thinking? I didn't sign up for this... pfff actually CARING about others and myself? actually trying to do the right thing? resisting temptation? Nobody told me any of this. I could generalize and say that all 14 year olds are idiots. . . . . . but sometimes I think its just me.

so here's to holding on tight for the rest of this wild ride called life. there are ups and downs and, i'm happy to say that right now, as surely as this wild wind rushes through the window and into my room, i'm on an up. one of the best ups i've experienced in a long time. the goal here , though, isn't to avoid the downs... because the next one's coming ... I wish I could go ahead and schedule it in my planner. No, its not my goal anymore to avoid the downs. not even potheads want to stay high, you know? ... my goal, instead, is to face the downs differently. look them in the face and make the choice (and it IS a choice!) to pray through them, hold on to my jesus instead of resenting Him in some way. stop blaming it on PMS. smile more. get over my self... all my worries, fears, pride...

get over myself...

to get over myself, i have to stay grounded in Him... he's real, i feel it, just like I feel that wind right now. just like i feel the sun, he's there and something compels me to open my mouth, my heart, to speak to him...even when there are no words.

Goals for my 22nd year on earth

Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday... yesterday I changed my mind again on when to graduate... I'm not going to graduate until December, as I had originally planned. Its better that way... because I'm not ready to pack up and leave yet... if I graduated in August, I will have been home for just one year and I don't think I'm ready yet. I have felt myself changing every single day lately and something tells me that as much as I want to get out on my own into the "real" world, its not quite time and I need to slow down a bit or I'll regret it down the road...

Also I'm going to visit my friend Lea in Australia (many of you only know her as "Mate"), whom I just love and miss so much... that's a big reason I decided against graduating in the summer... I could only visit her if I went to the Summer A term, BUT if I went to Summer A, I couldn't get my scholarship advance as I'd planned, since they have changed the rules so I HAVE to take summer B... and I thought to myself, in one year, five years, ten years, twenty years... I will NOT say to myself "wow, I'm so glad I rushed through college and didn't go to Australia to visit Lea..." no, I will say the exact opposite of that... I have this great opportunity, money and time to do it, and who knows if I'll ever get to do it again.

So I'm going to Australia, folks...

I want to take some time now too to write out some goals for my 22nd year on this planet... no particular order, some silly, some serious

1. continue growing the healthy4him ministry at river run
2. get my personal trainer certification
3. go to Australia and survive the flights there and back
4. finish watching all of the Lost episodes I haven't seen
5. rewrite my basic cover letter and optimize my resume
6. take some courses in grammar and more courses in writing
7. do the challenge course at UCF
8. maintain my weight loss and continue to build strength
9. be nicer to and more patient with people
10. be slower to get angry
11. pray more, keep staying in the word
12. make a lasagna
13. make my own pizza dough
14. run a 5k race
15. FINISH MY DEGREE!!!

thats it so far...

Down agaiN!

Well today I got back on the scale to see if it had been playing a joke on me, haha... and it read 0.4 lbs LESS than yesterday, can ya'll believe that!?

Today I turbo jammed for 40 minutes with 1 lb gloves, and it was very difficult, but I followed with 20 minutes of relaxing pilates...! and now I feel great!!

I MADE GOAL!!!

WOW! Imagine my surprise this morning after getting on the scale to see that, AFTER I stopped Turbo jamming myself to death and instead creating a [really fun] balance between fitness walking, weights, Turbo Jam, pilates, and power yoga... my weight had DROPPED to 130.8 lbs! WOW!!! I've made my goal! (Okay i know my official goal was 130 lbs even, however I know that I started at more than 148, and my actual goal was to drop 18 lbs, which I have!!!!!)

Here you can see pics of me on my journey... damn it took me so long to get where I am but I gotta tell ya'll, I feel amazing. I haven't been sick since I started this, plus my posture has improved, my strength, balance, concentration, breathing, everything has improved. Funny part is, I've only been to the gym twice, both times for a class with Hannah! I feel blessed to be an example of NOT needing a gym to change your body... you just need patience, consistency, prayer, and commitment.

fighting against the past

Last night while I was lying in bed I decided to start reminding myself of all the stupid things I did when I was in high school... I mean REALLY stupid things. REALLY REALLY stupid things that I had forgotten about, blocked out of my memory until last night, pretty much. And I don't know why I just remembered them last night of all times... kinda silly...

On a brighter note, I am totally rocking the power yoga and pilates... yesterday I did the MTV power yoga workout (55 minutes of sweat right there) and I got frustrated with myself because I couldnt do the full backbend/upward bow/full wheel pose... i cursed at myself and said I couldnt do it... but then I got to thinking, why CAN'T I do it? so I paused the DVD and tried, and I couldnt get my head off the floor, couldn't straightend my arms... so I pressed play again and tried to forget about it... well a minute later I pressed pause again and really focused... i placed my hands, did some deep breathing, inhaled one more time and PUSHED... and I DID IT! It was an amazing feeling, and totally wacky to be in that position. I lowered down and did it again :-D it was too cool.

verse for the day... found it a few days ago in my reading...
For I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners. matthew 9:13

i just feel like a complete moron today, the other night i submitted an application for an internship at Deutsche Bank in Frankfurt, someplace I dont want to live anyway,but it sounds like a great 2-3 month long internship so I applied... and submitted a resume on which I completely forgot to finish the objective, DAMN i'm an idiot... so i am trying to forget about that... maybe its a sign... maybe they wont notice and I'll get offered the position anyway, lol... but I cant let it get me down.

Also I am soooo doubting my ability to get any kind of job on the education i have, lol... I just dont think I have learned much of anything to cause any company in Germany to have a reason to give me a job. Germans have way more credentials than I do, except I am good at customer service and writing...

but who am i kidding... i hate worrying about this stuff all the time, why can't I trust God more? why do I try to rely on myself all the time? I obviously stink at it.

But at least I can do a full back bend.... thats something, right?

update, geez i'm a slacker

Well, it has been ALMOST a month since I last wrote. So it's time to write...

this semester I am taking 5 courses and 1 lab and it's been a considerable amount of work. During the week I still tutor German 6-8 hours on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Its been cool to have a lot to do and not be so bored.

I have toned down my workouts a lot; i used to do Turbo Jam every single day and sweat my butt off, and strength training a few times a week, but back in January I went to a yoga class with HB and it was such a challenge! I was sore the next day! So since then I have been researching and learning about yoga... I decided to clean out some of my workout collection and sold some of my DVDs... the ones that aren't fun at all and that I never do, lol... and since amazon was having such a big sale, I invested in some new workouts, mainly yoga and pilates... my favorite so far have been these workouts by Ellen Barrett, based on workouts done in her own fitness center, called The Studio... those are awesome and all done barefoot. Ever since I started doing yoga and pilates I swear i have lost a few inches in my thighs and there is no doubt that my shoulders are more sculpted... now I have a definite "bump" between my shoulder and my bicep, its kinda hot :-) plus pilates and yoga are both great for abs and I CAN DO PUSH UPS NOW! It's kind of a dream come true that I'm finally branching out in fitness, because I was getting kinda worried about carrying on my "stompy" workouts in Germany... what if my neighbors aren't so tolerant, lol... I have also found that yoga makes me feel sooo good that it motivates me more to eat well. I still do Turbo and my fitness walking, but I definitely have more of a variety each day now.

... and all of that keeps me challenged... cuz i'm done losing weight, now I just wanna be firm all over, and healthy!

On January 25, I started reading the One Year Bible ... so far I'm doing well. It's definitely crazy, especially the Old Testament. It's opening my eyes and heart, but it hasn't been easy so far. I find myself really wrestling with my HEAD... my heart is opening but my head wants to stay closed, it yeeeeearns for black and white. I'm learning to be content with gray, content with mystery. I will never and can never know everything. So I'm going to TRY to love God and love people (both of which are extremely hard sometimes, because you have to love yourself too and I suck at that).

So I guess thats it for now... I love Wednesdays but I hate Wednesdays... I can't get in my normal workout on Wednesdays unless I get up at 5am, but lately I've been getting up at 6:15 or so... I only hate them because theyre so loooong... I leave at 9 and I get home at 8pm. Tuesdays would be just as long but I've taken to coming home in between... its worth it :-)

Well the people in this room are obnoxiously loud so I am going to go warm up my soup for lunch :-)

keeping it simple

Man, exercise makes me feel SOOO good!! I can't get over it. I think our Lord is a freaking GENIUS.

Today I walked two miles with 2 lb weights, did the Turbo Jam BOOTY SCULPT with 9 lb and 6 lb weights, and then jogged for 1 mile with 1 lb weights. Wow! I just love it!

Lately I have just gotten myself so mixed up with every little teeny detail about my faith and what *I* think God wants, and just pushing aside what God REALLY wants... that I, like a child, just LOVE Him, serve Him with my life, showing His light and glory to the world.

Kids don't care how long it took for God to create the Earth, they don't care about all these things in this belief system that I, my culture, this society of the western world, has constructed. They don't even know that this HUGE cultural and historical web that straps them into their identity exists. They just believe in the LORD JESUS!!

REALLY... Is there really anything else that matters? I try to remind myself over and over again that there is NOT anything else that matters besides Jesus, but time and time again, still, I let myself get down about not being able to grasp a certain concept or believe an exact way that I am "supposed" to believe. And then I just think, is God up there asking me to relax, breathe Him in, and just believe in Him, love him, have faith in Him, that its OKAY not to be perfect.

It's a hard concept to grasp I think... not having to earn our salvation. Yet day in and day out I feel myself inclined to try to earn it by being someone "acceptable" to God in the things I do. I try so hard and even lose sleep over it, just trying to figure out why I do the things I do, why I am the way I am... but ya know, even if I go through my entire life not accepted by ANYONE because of those things, if all my friends decide I'm a basket case, God still accepts me. And I heard Him whisper that to me this morning.