There I was, dreading the first week off from school thinking all of my friends who have "real" jobs would be busy and I would have nothing to do. But God really blessed me this week, with a lot of fun and several new friends, and some hard lessons.
I'm doing a Bible study for the last week by Mark Driscoll and the whole study is on the Song of Solomon/Songs. I started off kiiiinda hating it, because I thought it was going to be all about marriage, something that seems either A. out of reach at the moment or B. like something I don't need/want right now anyway, but I kept listening. I'd like to be married someday... it's silly really, I feel like that's something people, including me, are almost ashamed to admit, that they want or need to be with someone else. Well, I not only would like that, I think I will need it, too...
Two questions I've been asking myself alllll week have been "What are you doing RIGHT NOW to prepare yourself for your heart's desires?" ...and... "How will my current lifestyle affect my future relationships?"... something I've learned from the study is that most people (myself included) don't really focus on getting ready to be in a relationship with another person until that person comes along, in which, in many cases, they then realize they aren't prepared at all. I'm one of those people.
This week God really showed me how selfish and prideful I can be... Mark pointed out that Solomon, although he was really following God in his younger years, that he walked away in his later years... and sinned big time against his wife. he used this to point out that although our first instinct is to scorn Solomon for being a jerk, but in reality, we are all capable of a LOT of evil things when we walk away from God. We're all selfish, I know I am... I was feeling really angry this week, it was one of those days where I was angry and I didn't know why, and I was driving along... somewhere... I asked out loud, "WHY am I so angry!?"... and then it hit me... because I wasn't getting what I [thought I] wanted!! I was, to put it simply, pouting.
Whoa, I thought, I feel like a complete idiot, and it was then I really saw how I had so quickly allowed the sin of pridefulness and selfishness to creep in, and ouch, ouch, ouch it hurt. I felt not just stupid but ashamed to call myself a Christian, what have I learned since Jesus first called me to him almost eight years ago? At that moment it felt like the answer was "nothing". And it sucked.
The next part of the study was on sin and repentance and what that really means... I transported myself back to October when I experienced repentance for what I feel was the very first time. Its about changing your MIND, not just your actions. Deciding to just stop doing something is one thing, but if your mind is still infested with that sin, ... well, you're in trouble.
Truly everyday should be us repenting from some thing in our life that isn't Christlike... no matter how dumb or miniscule of a thing it may seem.
More questions... how many people prepare for weddings and not for marriage? How many people forget that their significant other is a sinner, too? How many people are in or have been in relationships or marriages and are shocked and dismayed when they are sinned against? How many people have been completely void of grace for someone else, even though they've been given grace abounding, by God himself!? I have.
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This week I made a bunch of new acquaintances, some of which I am sure will soon become friends :-) I've really had a marvelous week. God is chipping away at me, molding me, changing me, that's what I want, but it hurts a lot sometimes. I suppose as long as I keep in mind that that is what He's doing, I'll be ok.
I'm not sure what to write next... I was going to write about optimism and dreams and etc., too, I have optimism, dreams, etc... there, I said it.
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